It has been a great many months since I posted anything new. I suppose, for a duration of time, I didn't have anything worth posting. No, wait. I lied. That is not true. Why am I here trying to lie about my own feelings.. to myself. That makes no sense. Why am I always trying to lie to myself, and hide..?
Truth is, many things have changed in the last few months. I am not sure where to exactly begin. She has moved, it finally happened. After months of anticipation, preparing myself for the eventual news that she was going to be leaving, it has finally happened. And truth is, I still was not ready to face it. When I heard the news, I pretended to be happy for her and I was supportive. But on the inside, my chest felt caved in and something broke inside.. again. My insides are getting used to be churned up and put back together. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing, yet.
I bring this post to you while sitting in a LAN party room at PAX. I am supposed to be having fun, but I find myself to be rather lonely sitting here amongst the hundreds of nerds and gamers walking all around me. I had all these ideas, plans that I was going to be enjoying myself. Those kind of left me approximately an hour ago.
I ran into her, she was coming here the whole time. I met her, and then I met him. Yes, there is a him now. At first I thought they were coworkers, but that became apparently not the case when I saw how he looked at her. He took her hand, brushed her cheek. The sudden rush of awkward rolled over me. I made some excuse (I don't even remember what I said) but I left before she could see the look on my face. She probably already saw it, but thats not really the point. I ran. I ran away.
Counting backwards I think that I should be somewhat over this by now. The fact that I am not remains onto me somewhat a mystery. Or is it? Maybe, just maybe it's because this time, it all meant something. That's gone, why the fuck am I still holding on to it? Why can't I throw it all behind me, like all the others before? Why does it still feel like a fresh wound, when it should be hardened and healed by now... why the FUCK does this still hurt? WHY?
I just want to get the farthest away from here as I can. Despite that I have only been here a few hours and have only seen very little. I just want to get away and go. Every fiber in my body is wanting to just run. But, I keep telling myself that if I stay I will find a way to make my time fun here. I don't know. I don't fucking know.
This place has a history of being painful to me. I think, this is my last year coming.
