Once you realize that what you hoped would happen won't happen, the mind and heart makes the decision for you that it is now time to get past things and move on. I think that is what happened when I finally met Leila and her new boyfriend at PAX.
It took a couple weeks, but my mind has settled down and I think I am finally accepting what had finally come to a close over 8 months ago. Time to put the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle back together -- reveal the life that is to come ahead of me, one piece at a time.
In celebration of my resurrection, I decided to seek out those who I had lost touch with due to various reasons in the past years. I wanted to rectify, rekindle, and rebuild some of my past bonds that fell apart for dumb reasons. One of which I am particularly happy about is one with a girl named Heather. A sweet red head who had just met me at the wrong time in her life. I had to get mean in the past to finally separate myself from her because of the fucked up conditions that were building around our friendship. It has been over 2 years since that happened. But with the help of the god forsaken myspace (aka whorespace, surveyspace, etc) I was able to finally locate her, and send her some kind of message.
Once we talked for a couple days, it felt really good to have someone to talk to again. My list of friends outside of my workplace has dwindled quite a bit. I think the next couple months of my life are surely going to be different -- I want to build myself back to being a good person, a happy person. I think I've paid my dues for a lot of my wrongs, so I think I deserve a little good fortune.
The first pieces of the puzzle have come together.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Erased
What is scary is letting go. Finally breaking the bonds I've kept so sacred, letting go of that piece of my heart and fortifying myself to endure once again. To stand on my own. That part of my heart is broken, now somewhat mended. Time now to erase some of that from myself and move forward. It scares the living hell out of me, but I've done it before.
I am so typical it would seem. Here I am, blogging, as though my feelings are somewhat insightful or somehow unique, when they aren't. I am just a overgrown boy, that's all. But oh well, everyone pretends to be something else all the time. Some are just better than others.
I'm not sure where to take myself in my coming future. I guess, I should try to find what makes me happy. I'm not sure how I figure that out anymore. I made my source of happiness to be her, but maybe that was a mistake. After all, there is more in life than just finding that someone you think represents your other half.
Erasing, bits at a time. Mending, healing. This is going to be enduring. I've already stopped speaking to her, as much. Once, in the past week. What is sad to me, is that she hasn't asked why I've not talked to her. Somewhat saddening, but I guess in the end it doesn't really matter.
Resurrection commencing...
I am so typical it would seem. Here I am, blogging, as though my feelings are somewhat insightful or somehow unique, when they aren't. I am just a overgrown boy, that's all. But oh well, everyone pretends to be something else all the time. Some are just better than others.
I'm not sure where to take myself in my coming future. I guess, I should try to find what makes me happy. I'm not sure how I figure that out anymore. I made my source of happiness to be her, but maybe that was a mistake. After all, there is more in life than just finding that someone you think represents your other half.
Erasing, bits at a time. Mending, healing. This is going to be enduring. I've already stopped speaking to her, as much. Once, in the past week. What is sad to me, is that she hasn't asked why I've not talked to her. Somewhat saddening, but I guess in the end it doesn't really matter.
Resurrection commencing...
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