It's days like today I really wonder where my heart and mind have gone, and if they have truly healed, or if they have been cast in stone this whole time. Am I deceiving myself, or have I honestly changed? I thought the path before me was clear, but now I am not so sure. I seem to be lost in fog once more.
I am surprisingly unaffected now that its all out there. I am more worried that I feel almost nothing than actually over the specifics of it all. Does the fact that I feel nothing mean I must be broken, still? I almost want to say that I felt like I did no wrong, but that is not the case. I have to realize that just because I think he deserved it, doesn't mean I shouldn't feel bad about the knife I put into his back. I could lie to myself saying I know what pain he must be going in, but I never was betrayed by a friend like I was to him. And he was right, this isn't my first time being on this side of the smoking gun. I have to admit that I may just be a shitty human being.
I stand here holding a candle in the dark.... without a match to light it.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Friday, May 7, 2010
Cocoon
Well, sure has been a long time since I last visited here. My lifes' shuffled around quite a bit over the years. As far as life standings go, I guess for the most part some would say I've been more successful. It all depends on the context. Sure, career and financially -- all for the better. But I still feel just as lonely as I did that day so many years ago.
I often wonder if where I am at now is better for what happened, or if it is worse. Sure, I realize my mistakes now. I vow to never make them again, never to hurt someone like that again. But yet, the result of all this clairvoyance is that I've become more withdrawn, hiding myself away in shadows, not getting close or getting close to anyone. I'm protecting myself, or am I protecting them? Which is it? I do not know.
I see her face sometimes in the world around me. The warm spring sun, freshly blooming lilacs, the smell of the air in the afternoon breeze. All of these things spelling her name out in front of my eyes, wherever I go. That was one of the best things about her. She made things come alive, things I never gave 2 seconds of thought about. She makes me appreciate those small things, because they meant so much to her and made her shine inside.
So where am I after all these years? Still in love with a life that never was. It might be time to move on... I'll get back to you on that.
I often wonder if where I am at now is better for what happened, or if it is worse. Sure, I realize my mistakes now. I vow to never make them again, never to hurt someone like that again. But yet, the result of all this clairvoyance is that I've become more withdrawn, hiding myself away in shadows, not getting close or getting close to anyone. I'm protecting myself, or am I protecting them? Which is it? I do not know.
I see her face sometimes in the world around me. The warm spring sun, freshly blooming lilacs, the smell of the air in the afternoon breeze. All of these things spelling her name out in front of my eyes, wherever I go. That was one of the best things about her. She made things come alive, things I never gave 2 seconds of thought about. She makes me appreciate those small things, because they meant so much to her and made her shine inside.
So where am I after all these years? Still in love with a life that never was. It might be time to move on... I'll get back to you on that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)