It's days like today I really wonder where my heart and mind have gone, and if they have truly healed, or if they have been cast in stone this whole time. Am I deceiving myself, or have I honestly changed? I thought the path before me was clear, but now I am not so sure. I seem to be lost in fog once more.
I am surprisingly unaffected now that its all out there. I am more worried that I feel almost nothing than actually over the specifics of it all. Does the fact that I feel nothing mean I must be broken, still? I almost want to say that I felt like I did no wrong, but that is not the case. I have to realize that just because I think he deserved it, doesn't mean I shouldn't feel bad about the knife I put into his back. I could lie to myself saying I know what pain he must be going in, but I never was betrayed by a friend like I was to him. And he was right, this isn't my first time being on this side of the smoking gun. I have to admit that I may just be a shitty human being.
I stand here holding a candle in the dark.... without a match to light it.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Friday, May 7, 2010
Cocoon
Well, sure has been a long time since I last visited here. My lifes' shuffled around quite a bit over the years. As far as life standings go, I guess for the most part some would say I've been more successful. It all depends on the context. Sure, career and financially -- all for the better. But I still feel just as lonely as I did that day so many years ago.
I often wonder if where I am at now is better for what happened, or if it is worse. Sure, I realize my mistakes now. I vow to never make them again, never to hurt someone like that again. But yet, the result of all this clairvoyance is that I've become more withdrawn, hiding myself away in shadows, not getting close or getting close to anyone. I'm protecting myself, or am I protecting them? Which is it? I do not know.
I see her face sometimes in the world around me. The warm spring sun, freshly blooming lilacs, the smell of the air in the afternoon breeze. All of these things spelling her name out in front of my eyes, wherever I go. That was one of the best things about her. She made things come alive, things I never gave 2 seconds of thought about. She makes me appreciate those small things, because they meant so much to her and made her shine inside.
So where am I after all these years? Still in love with a life that never was. It might be time to move on... I'll get back to you on that.
I often wonder if where I am at now is better for what happened, or if it is worse. Sure, I realize my mistakes now. I vow to never make them again, never to hurt someone like that again. But yet, the result of all this clairvoyance is that I've become more withdrawn, hiding myself away in shadows, not getting close or getting close to anyone. I'm protecting myself, or am I protecting them? Which is it? I do not know.
I see her face sometimes in the world around me. The warm spring sun, freshly blooming lilacs, the smell of the air in the afternoon breeze. All of these things spelling her name out in front of my eyes, wherever I go. That was one of the best things about her. She made things come alive, things I never gave 2 seconds of thought about. She makes me appreciate those small things, because they meant so much to her and made her shine inside.
So where am I after all these years? Still in love with a life that never was. It might be time to move on... I'll get back to you on that.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Jigsaw Puzzle
Once you realize that what you hoped would happen won't happen, the mind and heart makes the decision for you that it is now time to get past things and move on. I think that is what happened when I finally met Leila and her new boyfriend at PAX.
It took a couple weeks, but my mind has settled down and I think I am finally accepting what had finally come to a close over 8 months ago. Time to put the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle back together -- reveal the life that is to come ahead of me, one piece at a time.
In celebration of my resurrection, I decided to seek out those who I had lost touch with due to various reasons in the past years. I wanted to rectify, rekindle, and rebuild some of my past bonds that fell apart for dumb reasons. One of which I am particularly happy about is one with a girl named Heather. A sweet red head who had just met me at the wrong time in her life. I had to get mean in the past to finally separate myself from her because of the fucked up conditions that were building around our friendship. It has been over 2 years since that happened. But with the help of the god forsaken myspace (aka whorespace, surveyspace, etc) I was able to finally locate her, and send her some kind of message.
Once we talked for a couple days, it felt really good to have someone to talk to again. My list of friends outside of my workplace has dwindled quite a bit. I think the next couple months of my life are surely going to be different -- I want to build myself back to being a good person, a happy person. I think I've paid my dues for a lot of my wrongs, so I think I deserve a little good fortune.
The first pieces of the puzzle have come together.
It took a couple weeks, but my mind has settled down and I think I am finally accepting what had finally come to a close over 8 months ago. Time to put the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle back together -- reveal the life that is to come ahead of me, one piece at a time.
In celebration of my resurrection, I decided to seek out those who I had lost touch with due to various reasons in the past years. I wanted to rectify, rekindle, and rebuild some of my past bonds that fell apart for dumb reasons. One of which I am particularly happy about is one with a girl named Heather. A sweet red head who had just met me at the wrong time in her life. I had to get mean in the past to finally separate myself from her because of the fucked up conditions that were building around our friendship. It has been over 2 years since that happened. But with the help of the god forsaken myspace (aka whorespace, surveyspace, etc) I was able to finally locate her, and send her some kind of message.
Once we talked for a couple days, it felt really good to have someone to talk to again. My list of friends outside of my workplace has dwindled quite a bit. I think the next couple months of my life are surely going to be different -- I want to build myself back to being a good person, a happy person. I think I've paid my dues for a lot of my wrongs, so I think I deserve a little good fortune.
The first pieces of the puzzle have come together.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Erased
What is scary is letting go. Finally breaking the bonds I've kept so sacred, letting go of that piece of my heart and fortifying myself to endure once again. To stand on my own. That part of my heart is broken, now somewhat mended. Time now to erase some of that from myself and move forward. It scares the living hell out of me, but I've done it before.
I am so typical it would seem. Here I am, blogging, as though my feelings are somewhat insightful or somehow unique, when they aren't. I am just a overgrown boy, that's all. But oh well, everyone pretends to be something else all the time. Some are just better than others.
I'm not sure where to take myself in my coming future. I guess, I should try to find what makes me happy. I'm not sure how I figure that out anymore. I made my source of happiness to be her, but maybe that was a mistake. After all, there is more in life than just finding that someone you think represents your other half.
Erasing, bits at a time. Mending, healing. This is going to be enduring. I've already stopped speaking to her, as much. Once, in the past week. What is sad to me, is that she hasn't asked why I've not talked to her. Somewhat saddening, but I guess in the end it doesn't really matter.
Resurrection commencing...
I am so typical it would seem. Here I am, blogging, as though my feelings are somewhat insightful or somehow unique, when they aren't. I am just a overgrown boy, that's all. But oh well, everyone pretends to be something else all the time. Some are just better than others.
I'm not sure where to take myself in my coming future. I guess, I should try to find what makes me happy. I'm not sure how I figure that out anymore. I made my source of happiness to be her, but maybe that was a mistake. After all, there is more in life than just finding that someone you think represents your other half.
Erasing, bits at a time. Mending, healing. This is going to be enduring. I've already stopped speaking to her, as much. Once, in the past week. What is sad to me, is that she hasn't asked why I've not talked to her. Somewhat saddening, but I guess in the end it doesn't really matter.
Resurrection commencing...
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Time Lapsed
It has been a great many months since I posted anything new. I suppose, for a duration of time, I didn't have anything worth posting. No, wait. I lied. That is not true. Why am I here trying to lie about my own feelings.. to myself. That makes no sense. Why am I always trying to lie to myself, and hide..?
Truth is, many things have changed in the last few months. I am not sure where to exactly begin. She has moved, it finally happened. After months of anticipation, preparing myself for the eventual news that she was going to be leaving, it has finally happened. And truth is, I still was not ready to face it. When I heard the news, I pretended to be happy for her and I was supportive. But on the inside, my chest felt caved in and something broke inside.. again. My insides are getting used to be churned up and put back together. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing, yet.
I bring this post to you while sitting in a LAN party room at PAX. I am supposed to be having fun, but I find myself to be rather lonely sitting here amongst the hundreds of nerds and gamers walking all around me. I had all these ideas, plans that I was going to be enjoying myself. Those kind of left me approximately an hour ago.
I ran into her, she was coming here the whole time. I met her, and then I met him. Yes, there is a him now. At first I thought they were coworkers, but that became apparently not the case when I saw how he looked at her. He took her hand, brushed her cheek. The sudden rush of awkward rolled over me. I made some excuse (I don't even remember what I said) but I left before she could see the look on my face. She probably already saw it, but thats not really the point. I ran. I ran away.
Counting backwards I think that I should be somewhat over this by now. The fact that I am not remains onto me somewhat a mystery. Or is it? Maybe, just maybe it's because this time, it all meant something. That's gone, why the fuck am I still holding on to it? Why can't I throw it all behind me, like all the others before? Why does it still feel like a fresh wound, when it should be hardened and healed by now... why the FUCK does this still hurt? WHY?
I just want to get the farthest away from here as I can. Despite that I have only been here a few hours and have only seen very little. I just want to get away and go. Every fiber in my body is wanting to just run. But, I keep telling myself that if I stay I will find a way to make my time fun here. I don't know. I don't fucking know.
This place has a history of being painful to me. I think, this is my last year coming.
Truth is, many things have changed in the last few months. I am not sure where to exactly begin. She has moved, it finally happened. After months of anticipation, preparing myself for the eventual news that she was going to be leaving, it has finally happened. And truth is, I still was not ready to face it. When I heard the news, I pretended to be happy for her and I was supportive. But on the inside, my chest felt caved in and something broke inside.. again. My insides are getting used to be churned up and put back together. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing, yet.
I bring this post to you while sitting in a LAN party room at PAX. I am supposed to be having fun, but I find myself to be rather lonely sitting here amongst the hundreds of nerds and gamers walking all around me. I had all these ideas, plans that I was going to be enjoying myself. Those kind of left me approximately an hour ago.
I ran into her, she was coming here the whole time. I met her, and then I met him. Yes, there is a him now. At first I thought they were coworkers, but that became apparently not the case when I saw how he looked at her. He took her hand, brushed her cheek. The sudden rush of awkward rolled over me. I made some excuse (I don't even remember what I said) but I left before she could see the look on my face. She probably already saw it, but thats not really the point. I ran. I ran away.
Counting backwards I think that I should be somewhat over this by now. The fact that I am not remains onto me somewhat a mystery. Or is it? Maybe, just maybe it's because this time, it all meant something. That's gone, why the fuck am I still holding on to it? Why can't I throw it all behind me, like all the others before? Why does it still feel like a fresh wound, when it should be hardened and healed by now... why the FUCK does this still hurt? WHY?
I just want to get the farthest away from here as I can. Despite that I have only been here a few hours and have only seen very little. I just want to get away and go. Every fiber in my body is wanting to just run. But, I keep telling myself that if I stay I will find a way to make my time fun here. I don't know. I don't fucking know.
This place has a history of being painful to me. I think, this is my last year coming.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
A man chooses, a slave obeys.
It seems like it's been eons since I last posted some of my thoughts. Not sure why, maybe because when I am emotionally content, balanced.. I have less things on my mind that need to come out. However, let's face it. My balance is a farce at best.
Today I have lunch with her. First time meeting in a social setting outside of brief run ins at each others respective homes in 5 months. I am excited, but at the same time scared. There is always an awkwardness that I exude when I am around her. It's just funny to me, that after 5 months apart I still almost fall into old habit and almost kiss her each time I see her. I think my emotions just decided to take a vacation from reality and when she's around, they all come rushing back and don't realize just what has been happening for the last 5 months. I will continue to bend my mind around this reality, no matter how much I desire it not to be so. For both our sakes.
Next month is her birthday so I am taking her to see Nine Inch Nails in Seattle. The plan is to spend the day together, and either have a late night then drive home, or get a place to post up for the night. I am trying not to let my mind wander as to what that that may mean, together in a hotel for a night. 1 bed or 2? These kinds of things are best left until its actually time to deal with them, no point in getting worked up for something that's not even happened yet.
Other than that, my life has been pretty simple. I bury myself in my computer, in my games, and my work when I am working. Sleep escapes me most of the time, no change there. I have become accustomed to 5 hours of sleep a night. My diet plan failed, of course I knew it would. My habit of going to the gym to work out 3 nights a week has also failed. Why? I am a creature of habit, and I have many bad habits. Being unmotivated is one of them, unfortunately.
A man chooses, a slave obeys. It's time for me to start choosing.
Today I have lunch with her. First time meeting in a social setting outside of brief run ins at each others respective homes in 5 months. I am excited, but at the same time scared. There is always an awkwardness that I exude when I am around her. It's just funny to me, that after 5 months apart I still almost fall into old habit and almost kiss her each time I see her. I think my emotions just decided to take a vacation from reality and when she's around, they all come rushing back and don't realize just what has been happening for the last 5 months. I will continue to bend my mind around this reality, no matter how much I desire it not to be so. For both our sakes.
Next month is her birthday so I am taking her to see Nine Inch Nails in Seattle. The plan is to spend the day together, and either have a late night then drive home, or get a place to post up for the night. I am trying not to let my mind wander as to what that that may mean, together in a hotel for a night. 1 bed or 2? These kinds of things are best left until its actually time to deal with them, no point in getting worked up for something that's not even happened yet.
Other than that, my life has been pretty simple. I bury myself in my computer, in my games, and my work when I am working. Sleep escapes me most of the time, no change there. I have become accustomed to 5 hours of sleep a night. My diet plan failed, of course I knew it would. My habit of going to the gym to work out 3 nights a week has also failed. Why? I am a creature of habit, and I have many bad habits. Being unmotivated is one of them, unfortunately.
A man chooses, a slave obeys. It's time for me to start choosing.
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