Back to the Future 3 Sucks

So okay this entry is just something I was thinking about randomly this morning after talking about Deloreans with my friend Chelle. Don't ask how me how the hell that even comes up in random conversation, it just did.

I started to think about all the Back to the Future movies and it occurred to me after much thought that Back to the Future 3 is just a piece of shit. Why you ask? Let me explain.

Before I can really delve into specifics on why part 3 sucks Einstein's dick (the dog or the actual man, you decide), let's review the plot, shall we?

At the end of part 2, Marty incinerates the sports almanac that caused Biff to get rich and put fake tits on his mom in the alternate timeline they created (so this restores the normal timeline as he knows it.) Moments later, a lightning bolt strikes the Delorean in flight, which activates the time circuits and sends Doc Brown disappearing into thin air. Marty is like "Oh snap!" and starts to cry like a baby. Moments later, some asshole in a raincoat and hat comes up and delivers a Western Union telegram to Marty. Turns out to be a letter from Doc Brown, from 1885, and he explains to Marty what had JUST happened. So basically Doc is stuck in the past with a broken time machine and so this sets up the premise for "Marty Fucks Up Time Again, part 3".

So in part 3, Marty goes and finds 1955 Doc and explains to him the shit that went down. So they follow 1885 Doc's letter to find the Delorean stashed away in some cave. 1955 Doc cleans it up and puts some sick rims on it. Marty then dresses up like a member of the village people and goes back in time to rescue Doc.

So anyways, before Marty came back in time he uncovered just how 1885 Doc dies: He is shot by "Mad Dog" Tannen over a dispute of 80 dollars. This puts extreme urgency on the situation. Okay, I can roll with that. So Marty gets back to the past, finds Doc but before he found him, he managed to fuck up the Delorean and let all the gas leak out of the tank. Like a typical dipshit high school kid that he plays, it doesn't even occur to him that modern gasoline is not going to be invented for like 20 more years. When he tells Doc about the gas, Doc freaks out and beats him with a flux capacitor.

Okay plot explained. This is where the fun part starts, get ready.


The two main opposing forces in this movie are Doc Brown being shot dead by Mad Dog Tannen, and getting the Delorean somehow up to 88 mph so they can activate the time circuits and return home.

1. The 88 mph Fuck Up

Doc decides that the best course of action to fix the time machine is to hijack a steam train, put in some sweet ass presto logs that burn as hot as the sun, and push the time machine back up to 88 mph right before the train goes off a cliff. Sounds reasonable, right? Fuck no its not. Why you ask? Let me explain.

The time circuits activate once the speedometer and/or the wheel travel exceeds the rotation rate of 88 mph. The fact that this was achieved by the car traveling at this speeds on land is irrelevant. The mechanism itself does not depend on the car traveling at that speed, just that the wheels and/or speedometer readout reaches those points to activate the circuits.

In 1880, Thomas Edison patented a system for electricity distribution of DC power, or also known as direct current. And actually, in 1885 is when Nikolai Tesla came up with AC current, or alternating current. So either way you look at it, electricity was now something man could harness for various reasons. Doc Brown, being the educated man that he was, should have thought of this instantly.

Doc Brown should have invented the electric motor. It is very simple in design. Basically, a spool of wire wrapped around a magnet when subjected to an energy field (electricity) will cause the magnets to spin, thus creating an electricity driven motor. Doc could have invented a motor very easily using these base concepts, and then engineering a drive belt or chain system of some kind connected to the rear drive axel of the Delorean. This could easily be achieved in a relatively short amount of time, and could easily propel the wheels to the required 88 mph. What is a bonus is that the time machine wouldn't be traveling at a forward rate of 88 mph upon arrival at the new time destination. In the past this has caused the passenger in the vehicle to crash into a barn, a movie theater, and a pack of pissed off Indians. The time machine would simply activate and arrive at its destination safely.

But, Doc Brown was to die in 3 days, remember?! There is no way Doc could have made a motor in 3 days! I'm glad you pointed that out.


2. Pay Your Fucking Bills

It said in a newspaper article, in black and white, that Doc Brown was shot dead by Mad Dog Tannen over a matter of 80 dollars. So both Doc and Marty know HOW Doc is killed, WHY he is killed, and WHEN he is killed. This is some serious fucking information and yet they waste it. Doc and Marty only focus on the HOW, and WHEN. But I say fuck that... let's look at the WHY.

Q: Why Was Doc Brown killed by Mad Dog Tannen?
A: Doc owed him 80 dollars (5 for a bottle of Tennesee whiskey, 75 dollars for a dead horse)

Solution: Pay Mad Dog Tannen his 80 dollars.

That is seriously all Doc had to do to save his life. He needed to open up his wallet, pull out 80 dollars, and hand it over to him. Sure, he would lose his sense of pride, but he'd have his fucking life. Instead of doing that, he decides to hijack a train, drive it off a cliff, and accidentally saving a life of some stupid bitch he had no business saving.

I love the Back to the Future series, I really do. But part 3 just pisses me off. Basically, the first 2 movies had dire situations that justified all the crazy shit that happens. In part 1, Marty goes back in time and has no more plutonium to activate the time circuits to get home. He also fucks up his parents hooking up. So he has to 1. Work with 1955 Doc Brown to precisely time a fucking LIGHTNING BOLT to shoot into the flux capacitor, and 2. Get his mom to stop wanting his dick long enough to fuck George McFly, his dad. If he doesn't get his parents to hook up, he will never be born. If he misses the lightning, he will be stuck in the past for the rest of his life.

In part 2, they go to the future and bring back that almanac that lets Biff make billions on gambling and causing him to be able to change the timeline, which includes killing Marty's dad and marrying his mom, and getting her a boob job. So he has to return to the past and undo all the events that lead to this alternate timeline. The fact that they brought in alternate timelines, or alternate realities, was just badass.

In part 3, well.... if he had just paid 80 dollars, everything would eventually turn out fine. Way to think it out, Doc.

Make like a tree, and get outta here.


**EDIT**

I just realized that the Delorean in part 2 did fly, and could activate the time circuits after 88 mph in flight mode. This concludes that the mechanism involved to activate the time circuits is somehow tied into the vehicle's speed readout instruments. I imagine flight mode to be tied into the speedometer in some fashion to track speed in flight as well as on the ground (the wheels are not used in flight mode, but are turned with wheel hubs facing downward to direct thrusters to keep it aloft.) But either way you look at it, it was a speedometer mechanism of some kind that was used as a "safety" for activating the time circuits, and this should have been able to be easily mended or at least worked around without causing harm to anyone or any property.