I Aint Afraid of No Ghosts

Last weekend I attended a 3 day seminar in Tacoma. By the end of everything, I realized many things about myself that I thought weren't even there, or some of them I thought I had already moved past. This time I was able to see them in a 3rd person perspective, rather than just reacting in an emo sense as I tend to. This is what I discovered.

I have a track history of using trust and abusing it, breaking it, and twisting it to my own advantage and gain. I've lost many bonds due to this, and I always thought I've addressed them with certain individuals. I realize that being sorry for the act of betrayal and wrong doing is different from acknowledging WHY I would do it in the first place. Breaking trust is a result. A symptom. I have always treated the symptoms, but I never treated the disease.

I used to blame everything but myself for things that brought me down. I was overweight most of my young life, so I used that as the reason to why I was lonely and never had girlfriends or whatnot until I was in my 20s (where I had lost over 100 lbs in a year). Then I was thrust into all these complicated relationships and emotions and I didn't know how to handle them. I chose to be a victim in certain bad relationships where I let myself be abused for my kindness. I then chose to stop being a victim, but I over compensated -- I chose to victimize others and there starts my downward spiral. I chose all of it. All the unhappiness, all the sadness, all the excuses were all my choice.

Last thing I realized is that when I hurt others, I like it. I did this without realizing it. My mentality was "If I can't be happy, you won't be happy." or "If I can't win, you can't win." I would sabotage relationships and friendships to make others hurt worse than they hurt me. I chose to indulge revenge and resentment to take advantage, or get back at others.

All these deep seeded roots I thought I had pulled out a long time ago, but in fact are still there. Just dormant. Now that I know the source of the problem, I am happy to say I can now choose to change. I feel like a black cloud over me has been lifted. For the first time, I actually feel... hopeful.

Everyone has ghosts, and I been hiding from mine. Well I am not afraid of them any more. I've made a promise. A promise to myself. I choose to be a good person. I choose to be happy. I choose to love myself and to love others. I choose life.

Time to open the curtains and let the sun in.