Cocoon

Well, sure has been a long time since I last visited here. My lifes' shuffled around quite a bit over the years. As far as life standings go, I guess for the most part some would say I've been more successful. It all depends on the context. Sure, career and financially -- all for the better. But I still feel just as lonely as I did that day so many years ago.

I often wonder if where I am at now is better for what happened, or if it is worse. Sure, I realize my mistakes now. I vow to never make them again, never to hurt someone like that again. But yet, the result of all this clairvoyance is that I've become more withdrawn, hiding myself away in shadows, not getting close or getting close to anyone. I'm protecting myself, or am I protecting them? Which is it? I do not know.

I see her face sometimes in the world around me. The warm spring sun, freshly blooming lilacs, the smell of the air in the afternoon breeze. All of these things spelling her name out in front of my eyes, wherever I go. That was one of the best things about her. She made things come alive, things I never gave 2 seconds of thought about. She makes me appreciate those small things, because they meant so much to her and made her shine inside.

So where am I after all these years? Still in love with a life that never was. It might be time to move on... I'll get back to you on that.

Jigsaw Puzzle

Once you realize that what you hoped would happen won't happen, the mind and heart makes the decision for you that it is now time to get past things and move on. I think that is what happened when I finally met Leila and her new boyfriend at PAX.

It took a couple weeks, but my mind has settled down and I think I am finally accepting what had finally come to a close over 8 months ago. Time to put the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle back together -- reveal the life that is to come ahead of me, one piece at a time.

In celebration of my resurrection, I decided to seek out those who I had lost touch with due to various reasons in the past years. I wanted to rectify, rekindle, and rebuild some of my past bonds that fell apart for dumb reasons. One of which I am particularly happy about is one with a girl named Heather. A sweet red head who had just met me at the wrong time in her life. I had to get mean in the past to finally separate myself from her because of the fucked up conditions that were building around our friendship. It has been over 2 years since that happened. But with the help of the god forsaken myspace (aka whorespace, surveyspace, etc) I was able to finally locate her, and send her some kind of message.

Once we talked for a couple days, it felt really good to have someone to talk to again. My list of friends outside of my workplace has dwindled quite a bit. I think the next couple months of my life are surely going to be different -- I want to build myself back to being a good person, a happy person. I think I've paid my dues for a lot of my wrongs, so I think I deserve a little good fortune.

The first pieces of the puzzle have come together.

Erased

What is scary is letting go. Finally breaking the bonds I've kept so sacred, letting go of that piece of my heart and fortifying myself to endure once again. To stand on my own. That part of my heart is broken, now somewhat mended. Time now to erase some of that from myself and move forward. It scares the living hell out of me, but I've done it before.

I am so typical it would seem. Here I am, blogging, as though my feelings are somewhat insightful or somehow unique, when they aren't. I am just a overgrown boy, that's all. But oh well, everyone pretends to be something else all the time. Some are just better than others.

I'm not sure where to take myself in my coming future. I guess, I should try to find what makes me happy. I'm not sure how I figure that out anymore. I made my source of happiness to be her, but maybe that was a mistake. After all, there is more in life than just finding that someone you think represents your other half.

Erasing, bits at a time. Mending, healing. This is going to be enduring. I've already stopped speaking to her, as much. Once, in the past week. What is sad to me, is that she hasn't asked why I've not talked to her. Somewhat saddening, but I guess in the end it doesn't really matter.

Resurrection commencing...

Time Lapsed

It has been a great many months since I posted anything new. I suppose, for a duration of time, I didn't have anything worth posting. No, wait. I lied. That is not true. Why am I here trying to lie about my own feelings.. to myself. That makes no sense. Why am I always trying to lie to myself, and hide..?

Truth is, many things have changed in the last few months. I am not sure where to exactly begin. She has moved, it finally happened. After months of anticipation, preparing myself for the eventual news that she was going to be leaving, it has finally happened. And truth is, I still was not ready to face it. When I heard the news, I pretended to be happy for her and I was supportive. But on the inside, my chest felt caved in and something broke inside.. again. My insides are getting used to be churned up and put back together. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing, yet.

I bring this post to you while sitting in a LAN party room at PAX. I am supposed to be having fun, but I find myself to be rather lonely sitting here amongst the hundreds of nerds and gamers walking all around me. I had all these ideas, plans that I was going to be enjoying myself. Those kind of left me approximately an hour ago.

I ran into her, she was coming here the whole time. I met her, and then I met him. Yes, there is a him now. At first I thought they were coworkers, but that became apparently not the case when I saw how he looked at her. He took her hand, brushed her cheek. The sudden rush of awkward rolled over me. I made some excuse (I don't even remember what I said) but I left before she could see the look on my face. She probably already saw it, but thats not really the point. I ran. I ran away.

Counting backwards I think that I should be somewhat over this by now. The fact that I am not remains onto me somewhat a mystery. Or is it? Maybe, just maybe it's because this time, it all meant something. That's gone, why the fuck am I still holding on to it? Why can't I throw it all behind me, like all the others before? Why does it still feel like a fresh wound, when it should be hardened and healed by now... why the FUCK does this still hurt? WHY?

I just want to get the farthest away from here as I can. Despite that I have only been here a few hours and have only seen very little. I just want to get away and go. Every fiber in my body is wanting to just run. But, I keep telling myself that if I stay I will find a way to make my time fun here. I don't know. I don't fucking know.

This place has a history of being painful to me. I think, this is my last year coming.

A man chooses, a slave obeys.

It seems like it's been eons since I last posted some of my thoughts. Not sure why, maybe because when I am emotionally content, balanced.. I have less things on my mind that need to come out. However, let's face it. My balance is a farce at best.

Today I have lunch with her. First time meeting in a social setting outside of brief run ins at each others respective homes in 5 months. I am excited, but at the same time scared. There is always an awkwardness that I exude when I am around her. It's just funny to me, that after 5 months apart I still almost fall into old habit and almost kiss her each time I see her. I think my emotions just decided to take a vacation from reality and when she's around, they all come rushing back and don't realize just what has been happening for the last 5 months. I will continue to bend my mind around this reality, no matter how much I desire it not to be so. For both our sakes.

Next month is her birthday so I am taking her to see Nine Inch Nails in Seattle. The plan is to spend the day together, and either have a late night then drive home, or get a place to post up for the night. I am trying not to let my mind wander as to what that that may mean, together in a hotel for a night. 1 bed or 2? These kinds of things are best left until its actually time to deal with them, no point in getting worked up for something that's not even happened yet.

Other than that, my life has been pretty simple. I bury myself in my computer, in my games, and my work when I am working. Sleep escapes me most of the time, no change there. I have become accustomed to 5 hours of sleep a night. My diet plan failed, of course I knew it would. My habit of going to the gym to work out 3 nights a week has also failed. Why? I am a creature of habit, and I have many bad habits. Being unmotivated is one of them, unfortunately.

A man chooses, a slave obeys. It's time for me to start choosing.

Good morning?

Email received. Title: Good Morning. From: Leila. Date: 9/16/06 @ 8:48 am.

That is the email I received the next day rather. I did not check my email until the following Saturday. The contents, of which, were not very "good morning" inspiring. This was a reality check email, from her perspective. I don't have the email on this computer, so I will just basically recap some of the points made in the email.

Point 1 Summary - We are broke up, but that doesn't mean I'm telling you to get over or move on. Time *might* heal things.

She starts the email off stating that she understands I miss her and what we used to have. However, she is not wanting to see me on any regular basis. Also, she goes on to state that my sending her "cute" messages is not okay, because she broke up with me for a reason and that I need to stop talking to her as if we are still together. Sounds like a fair request, no? Well, that's one reason I hate women. If you don't want me to be cute around you, then why when I see you, you still kiss me? You still call me "honey" and tell me you love me when I say goodnight? If there were lines you had in mind, I would have thought they would have been crossed with the kissing me again part. Not the "cute" text message line. Telling me that time *might* mend things, and that I shouldn't "move" on.. what are you trying to say you want out of me? I feel like an overdue DVD, sure you know its time with you is over... but you want to hold onto it anyways, just in case you might want to watch it after all.

Point 2 Summary - While I don't take much stock in what other people say about you, I still believe them.

This part is where I am confused. She goes on to state that after we broke up, she heard a lot of rumors about me regarding stuff going on that I was doing behind her back... Something about a girl at Food Pavilion, communicating with my ex Amanda, as her cited examples. A.) Who the fuck do I know that works at Food Pavilion? B.) Amanda... lol!

The Food Pavilion person I have no idea what that is about. The only people I know there is Troy, who's a sleaze bag all on his own. And a girl named Melanie, who hasn't worked there for over a year. And Melanie doesn't even live in Wenatchee anymore, and is somewhere in Snoqualmie or some shit last I heard. Also, I barely knew her. I just only was friends with her BARELY through party/social run-ins. God knows where she is now. If that's who she thinks I was fooling around with, then someone please get her a calendar with some dates on it so she can see whoever has told her this stuff has no fucking idea what they are talking about.

Amanda... man that is super funny. We had something over 5 years ago. Yes, that's right. This is going back to 5 years ago. And that something ended after about 4 weeks ish. A really short story, summarized in even shorter terms. I will try to restate, without using adverbs. Amanda like Mike. Mike like Amanda. Dated 1 month. Amanda confesses love. Mike breaks up with Amanda. Point, set, match. Done. That's how simple it was. Yes, we dated for a time. Messed around a bit, that was it. I was no where near ready for a serious relationship. I made those abundantly clear before things even didn't get started. But, of course I failed to realize that women have a distorted view on things. The classic "give him what he wants til he changes to what I want" tactic. So after a month, she tells me she really loves me and all the alarms go off in my head. I later tell her again, how I feel... and that's when it ended. She got out of my car, crying in her driveway. I drove home. Did I feel bad? Not really, I was angry. I later had to fight a whole fiasco of bullshit on myspace from her little rant saying how I used her, blah blah blah and her friends bashing on me. She later apologized for that. But you know what, I still think back and I still get angry about it. Fucking women.

Amanda started dating Brad, a friend of mine and has also known Amanda himself longer than me since they were in high school together. Brad works in a gas station, has no ambition, and thinks the world owes him his dues. What dues? He lives his life like he's on some kind of social welfare.. like he is somehow some kind of victim of financial and life inhibiting circumstance that the world owes him a free ticket to success and happiness. This is her boyfriend, gas station man. She, is going to graduate school for a Master's in psychology. Gas station man + future psychology professional. You see what I'm getting at? You don't need a Master's degree to figure out that this isn't going to work out.

Well, that long story is as follows. They eventually broke up, and of course it was my doing. Well, it was and it wasn't. She was having problems with him, confessed she still had feelings for me. They write an email TOGETHER from her to me confronting me about wanting to break them up. I later learned that this was written with his supervision later on after they broke up anyways. They broke up because she didn't love him she said. She asked me if we still had some kind of chance, I told her no. She decided we couldn't be friends. Then, she wished me luck with Leila and told me that Brad was talking to her feeding her all his bullshit, just for my own awareness. Done, that was it.

I kind of went off on a tangent there, but here is the third point.

Point 3 Summary - You copied a folder with pictures of me to your computer. That folder also has pictures of my younger sisters. This makes me think your a pedophile.

Now this really gets under my skin. I felt enraged reading this. We were together just under 2 years. I've spent countless evenings accompanying her to dinner at her house with her family. I got to know her mom, her dad, and her sisters and brother and I started seeing them as my own family as well. My own family... who I cared about, who I learn to care about and who learned to care about me. So that being said, when she does everything but accuse me of wanting to fuck her younger sisters, how should I feel about that? Fucking pissed, that's how.

Point 4 Summary - I'm not the same person I was, but I am not sure if that's a good thing.

I have made her into a person she didn't want to be. That for a year, she tried to convey to me she was not happy with the relationship as it was on some kind of level. However, she is different now. But, she does not know if this is a good thing. She talks about having no ill will towards me, no malice, no hate. That she thinks everyone deserves a second chance. That people do stupid things, sometimes. But that doesn't mean that person is a bad person. That someone deserves to be forgiven.

Unless, that someone is me.

Hypocrite.

Pick a flavor: Paxil, Zoloft, or Prozac?

It's been a few weeks since I cited anything. Maybe that means its getting easier, being alone. Is it finally setting in? My single-ness. My life missing her by my side? It kind of scares me, in a way.

I can't decide if this is good news or not. Yesterday she sends me a text wishing me good morning. Not unusual, but also not expected considering we are now going on 5 months apart from eachother -- and I've seen her about 4 times in that time span. Most of the time I'm texting her, just hoping to find an excuse to do so. The conversations are short lived. I'm like a drug addict just needing a little fix each day to get me through. She is like candy to my heart.

The text, right.. after that she says to me she is thinking about seeing a therapist to get a prescription for antidepressants. Apparently she's been depressed, for quite a while now actually. Real bad right until the last couple months of our being together. I think about this and I begin to feel, mixed about it. In one hand, I think that this means that the fall of our relationship together would mean that maybe it wasn't all me. Just maybe, she just had a head full of inbalances and breaking up with me would take that strain off of her? If now that its been months, and there has been no change, then maybe she is just now realizing I wasn't the cause of her depression? Sure, that makes you feel good.. a little. But then I think.. wait a minute.. so she is depressed and needs to see a therapist.. okay why am I happy that this is a good thing?

In these kinds of mind struggles, I tend to offset the imbalance with logic. First of all, this does not change my situation one way or another, so no need to work up my head around it. Second, she is depressed and doesn't know what else to do about it -- besides seeing a therapist and getting some candy coated artificial happiness. Now, these things in mind, where do I come in?

She is also struggling with her finances as of late as well. She gets it from her dad, but I can understand because I'm about 1/2 the same as her when it comes to how I deal with depression and/or being unhappy. When I am unhappy, I buy things I don't necessarily need. Needless expense on anything from video games, eating out, or just plain being irresponsible with money. She is about 200% worse than me. She has had to take out a personal loan with her dad co-signing so she can pay off her credit card debt. However, she is still stuck with a mountain of bills with a tiny mountain of money lining her pockets.

She doesn't like asking for help, I know that much. But this time she did, and she asked me. That is important, at least to me. I'm going to see if I can catch up with her tonight and give her what extra money I can to help. Why am I doing this you might think? Because I still fucking love her, dammit.

Every person I have met that has been on the big 3 -- those being Paxil, Zoloft, or Prozac -- has never said it had helped them. Most of them said it made them feel different, not depressed, but not normal or happy. Just different. And most of them developed a dependancy to them. That's what I am afraid of happening to her. I don't want her to change into a completely different Leila.

She's also been trying to find a way to move away to her home town on the other side of the Cascades... its about 2 hours away. If she moves, its pretty much done I think. Part of me is still selfish and wants her to stay, the other part thinks that maybe if she moved, she might be happy. I quickly almost go to tears thinking about her in another place, with another guy in her life. Well fuck me, now I'm getting depressed again.

2008 sure seems to be the year of life changing events.