It's been a few weeks since I cited anything. Maybe that means its getting easier, being alone. Is it finally setting in? My single-ness. My life missing her by my side? It kind of scares me, in a way.
I can't decide if this is good news or not. Yesterday she sends me a text wishing me good morning. Not unusual, but also not expected considering we are now going on 5 months apart from eachother -- and I've seen her about 4 times in that time span. Most of the time I'm texting her, just hoping to find an excuse to do so. The conversations are short lived. I'm like a drug addict just needing a little fix each day to get me through. She is like candy to my heart.
The text, right.. after that she says to me she is thinking about seeing a therapist to get a prescription for antidepressants. Apparently she's been depressed, for quite a while now actually. Real bad right until the last couple months of our being together. I think about this and I begin to feel, mixed about it. In one hand, I think that this means that the fall of our relationship together would mean that maybe it wasn't all me. Just maybe, she just had a head full of inbalances and breaking up with me would take that strain off of her? If now that its been months, and there has been no change, then maybe she is just now realizing I wasn't the cause of her depression? Sure, that makes you feel good.. a little. But then I think.. wait a minute.. so she is depressed and needs to see a therapist.. okay why am I happy that this is a good thing?
In these kinds of mind struggles, I tend to offset the imbalance with logic. First of all, this does not change my situation one way or another, so no need to work up my head around it. Second, she is depressed and doesn't know what else to do about it -- besides seeing a therapist and getting some candy coated artificial happiness. Now, these things in mind, where do I come in?
She is also struggling with her finances as of late as well. She gets it from her dad, but I can understand because I'm about 1/2 the same as her when it comes to how I deal with depression and/or being unhappy. When I am unhappy, I buy things I don't necessarily need. Needless expense on anything from video games, eating out, or just plain being irresponsible with money. She is about 200% worse than me. She has had to take out a personal loan with her dad co-signing so she can pay off her credit card debt. However, she is still stuck with a mountain of bills with a tiny mountain of money lining her pockets.
She doesn't like asking for help, I know that much. But this time she did, and she asked me. That is important, at least to me. I'm going to see if I can catch up with her tonight and give her what extra money I can to help. Why am I doing this you might think? Because I still fucking love her, dammit.
Every person I have met that has been on the big 3 -- those being Paxil, Zoloft, or Prozac -- has never said it had helped them. Most of them said it made them feel different, not depressed, but not normal or happy. Just different. And most of them developed a dependancy to them. That's what I am afraid of happening to her. I don't want her to change into a completely different Leila.
She's also been trying to find a way to move away to her home town on the other side of the Cascades... its about 2 hours away. If she moves, its pretty much done I think. Part of me is still selfish and wants her to stay, the other part thinks that maybe if she moved, she might be happy. I quickly almost go to tears thinking about her in another place, with another guy in her life. Well fuck me, now I'm getting depressed again.
2008 sure seems to be the year of life changing events.
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