Panda-monium
written by Endless Mike (Michael White)
written by Endless Mike (Michael White)
(Poorly lit room, dirty laundry, old disheveled couch. Two guys, mid-twenties, sit watching TV surrounded by Chinese take-out boxes. A white shimmer of light from the TV hits their faces. A bong sits amongst the boxes and trash.)
Dave
Do you think like... real Chineses order Chinese food like we do here?
Mark
Wait, what?
Dave
Do you think --
Mark
No... I mean, Chineses? What?
Dave
Chineses.
Mark
Yeah, I know.
Dave
Huh?
Mark
Chineses is not a word.
Dave
Dude, Chineses are people from China. Their food is CHINESE.
Mark
Is it a talent of yours to be this retarded, or were you always like this?
Dave
Dude what the fuck?
Mark
It's C-h-i-n-e-s-e. Chinese. Just Chinese.
Dave
Yeah, the food. Chinese food.
Mark
You are a moron.
Dave
So anyways, do you think PEOPLE FROM CHINA order Chinese food like we do here?
Mark
I'm going to assume you mean that here as in America in general, and not just the two of us in this specific apartment.
Dave
Of course.
Mark
I don't know, probably not.
Dave
Why not you think?
Mark
Because they are Chi--... from China. I imagine they eat Chinese food all the time, hence they probably don't order it to take it home... since they already have it.
Dave
You do have a good point.
Mark
That's what they pay me for.
Dave
I see sarcasm was on sale.
Mark
Wal-mart special.
Dave
Right.
(Dave reaches for the bong and takes another hit, he motions to Mark who gestures his decline and continues to shovel rice into his mouth with chopsticks.)
Dave
Dude, I don't know how you use those things.
Mark
What? Chopsticks? It isn't hard.
Dave
But that's rice.
Mark
Master of the obvious, grats.
Dave
Shut up. I mean, it's rice. How the hell do you eat rice with two little sticks?
Mark
Well you don't stab them or anything. You just shovel it in like this.
(Mark demonstrates his expert use of chopsticks for Dave.)
Dave
Yeah that's great and everything, but I still don't see how it is efficient.
Mark
What the hell are you talking about?
Dave
Why don't you just use a spoon? Its rounded, it fits perfectly between your lips and into your mouth. It's a mouth shovel, and rice is like... shovel-ish.
Mark
Because I can eat it like this just as easily. Plus, it is more efficient. All Chinese food is eaten with chopsticks. Whereas, you need a spoon for some things, and a fork for others. Well, they do make a spork but you can't find those anywhere that aren't plastic. I've never seen metal sporks before. So yeah, in all ways possible... I see this as being more efficient.
Dave
Whatever. Chopsticks are retarded.
Mark
You're retarded. Millions of Chinese people do it this way without any complaints.
Dave
Chineses.
Mark
I am going to fucking kill you.
Dave
Dude seriously, if chopsticks were ideal, everyone would use them for everything... not just Chinese food.
Mark
Wow... that actually makes fucking sense.
Dave
Dude, I know these things. Do not doubt my power again.
(Mark reaches across the coffee table and grabs another box of take-out. The label on the box is clearly seen by Dave.)
Dave
You know what's weird?
Mark
I can only imagine.
Dave
The panda on these boxes.
Mark
How the hell is that weird?
Dave
Well, I mean... Panda Express makes it seem like you're eating fucking pandas.
Mark
It's just a logo, dude.
Dave
I know, but like... why would you use the logo of something that you aren't actually eating on a box of food. It's false advertising.
Mark
Pandas are a symbol of China and recognized by just about everyone as being Chinese. It's like America and the fucking bald eagle and shit.
Dave
We don't put the bald eagle on boxes of food. There is a difference.
Mark
I hate how stupid you are and yet I can't find ways to argue with your logic.
Dave
Because my logic is sound and you know it.
Mark
Whatever. Give me the bong. I an obviously not high enough for this conversation.
(Dave hands Mark the bong and lights the bowl for him, courteously. Mark exhales and sinks back into his old position on the couch and continues eating his General Tso's)
Dave
I don't think I could eat a panda.
Mark
Me neither. Not a whole panda, anyways.
Dave
I mean it dude. I couldn't eat a panda.
Mark
Why not? It's just an animal like anything else.
Dave
Aren't they like.... almost extinct or whatever?
Mark
Yeah, NOW. But before I bet there were like.. herds of them or something. They are probably almost gone because they taste so fucking delicious and everyone ate them all the time.
Dave
Things change when you eat the last of something.
Mark
It's just as delicious when it's the last of something.
Dave
It's like the guy who eats the last slice of pizza. Everyone sees you eat it and nobody probably says anything about it. But you know at least half those people there think that guy is a fucking asshole because he had the last piece.
Mark
Give me that fucking bong, still not high enough.
Dave
You would seriously eat a panda?
Mark
Well, if it were given to me to eat... sure, why not?
Dave
Seriously? They are cute and shit, doesn't that bother you?
Mark
Not really, it's made of meat. I like meat.
Dave
You wouldn't eat dog would you?
Mark
Fuck, hell no.
Dave
But it's made of meat.
Mark
I don't eat anything that is considered a pet. A panda is not a pet. A cow is not a pet. A pig is not a pet. You don't take any of those things to your bed and cuddle it at night. I also don't eat shrimp, lobsters, or crab because they remind me of giant insects.
Dave
Lobster is good dude.
Mark
I will never know the joy of eating lobster, I'm sorry.
Dave
Pandas are in zoos, that kinda makes them pets.
Mark
Nope. A zoo is like giant supermarket for exotic meats. The animals are just on display. They are not pets, they are exhibits... of meat and stuff.
Dave
Just promise me you will never eat a panda.
Mark
Only if you shut up.
Dave
.... Would you eat a giraffe?
Mark
Bong. Now.
(end scene)
Do you think like... real Chineses order Chinese food like we do here?
Mark
Wait, what?
Dave
Do you think --
Mark
No... I mean, Chineses? What?
Dave
Chineses.
Mark
Yeah, I know.
Dave
Huh?
Mark
Chineses is not a word.
Dave
Dude, Chineses are people from China. Their food is CHINESE.
Mark
Is it a talent of yours to be this retarded, or were you always like this?
Dave
Dude what the fuck?
Mark
It's C-h-i-n-e-s-e. Chinese. Just Chinese.
Dave
Yeah, the food. Chinese food.
Mark
You are a moron.
Dave
So anyways, do you think PEOPLE FROM CHINA order Chinese food like we do here?
Mark
I'm going to assume you mean that here as in America in general, and not just the two of us in this specific apartment.
Dave
Of course.
Mark
I don't know, probably not.
Dave
Why not you think?
Mark
Because they are Chi--... from China. I imagine they eat Chinese food all the time, hence they probably don't order it to take it home... since they already have it.
Dave
You do have a good point.
Mark
That's what they pay me for.
Dave
I see sarcasm was on sale.
Mark
Wal-mart special.
Dave
Right.
(Dave reaches for the bong and takes another hit, he motions to Mark who gestures his decline and continues to shovel rice into his mouth with chopsticks.)
Dave
Dude, I don't know how you use those things.
Mark
What? Chopsticks? It isn't hard.
Dave
But that's rice.
Mark
Master of the obvious, grats.
Dave
Shut up. I mean, it's rice. How the hell do you eat rice with two little sticks?
Mark
Well you don't stab them or anything. You just shovel it in like this.
(Mark demonstrates his expert use of chopsticks for Dave.)
Dave
Yeah that's great and everything, but I still don't see how it is efficient.
Mark
What the hell are you talking about?
Dave
Why don't you just use a spoon? Its rounded, it fits perfectly between your lips and into your mouth. It's a mouth shovel, and rice is like... shovel-ish.
Mark
Because I can eat it like this just as easily. Plus, it is more efficient. All Chinese food is eaten with chopsticks. Whereas, you need a spoon for some things, and a fork for others. Well, they do make a spork but you can't find those anywhere that aren't plastic. I've never seen metal sporks before. So yeah, in all ways possible... I see this as being more efficient.
Dave
Whatever. Chopsticks are retarded.
Mark
You're retarded. Millions of Chinese people do it this way without any complaints.
Dave
Chineses.
Mark
I am going to fucking kill you.
Dave
Dude seriously, if chopsticks were ideal, everyone would use them for everything... not just Chinese food.
Mark
Wow... that actually makes fucking sense.
Dave
Dude, I know these things. Do not doubt my power again.
(Mark reaches across the coffee table and grabs another box of take-out. The label on the box is clearly seen by Dave.)
Dave
You know what's weird?
Mark
I can only imagine.
Dave
The panda on these boxes.
Mark
How the hell is that weird?
Dave
Well, I mean... Panda Express makes it seem like you're eating fucking pandas.
Mark
It's just a logo, dude.
Dave
I know, but like... why would you use the logo of something that you aren't actually eating on a box of food. It's false advertising.
Mark
Pandas are a symbol of China and recognized by just about everyone as being Chinese. It's like America and the fucking bald eagle and shit.
Dave
We don't put the bald eagle on boxes of food. There is a difference.
Mark
I hate how stupid you are and yet I can't find ways to argue with your logic.
Dave
Because my logic is sound and you know it.
Mark
Whatever. Give me the bong. I an obviously not high enough for this conversation.
(Dave hands Mark the bong and lights the bowl for him, courteously. Mark exhales and sinks back into his old position on the couch and continues eating his General Tso's)
Dave
I don't think I could eat a panda.
Mark
Me neither. Not a whole panda, anyways.
Dave
I mean it dude. I couldn't eat a panda.
Mark
Why not? It's just an animal like anything else.
Dave
Aren't they like.... almost extinct or whatever?
Mark
Yeah, NOW. But before I bet there were like.. herds of them or something. They are probably almost gone because they taste so fucking delicious and everyone ate them all the time.
Dave
Things change when you eat the last of something.
Mark
It's just as delicious when it's the last of something.
Dave
It's like the guy who eats the last slice of pizza. Everyone sees you eat it and nobody probably says anything about it. But you know at least half those people there think that guy is a fucking asshole because he had the last piece.
Mark
Give me that fucking bong, still not high enough.
Dave
You would seriously eat a panda?
Mark
Well, if it were given to me to eat... sure, why not?
Dave
Seriously? They are cute and shit, doesn't that bother you?
Mark
Not really, it's made of meat. I like meat.
Dave
You wouldn't eat dog would you?
Mark
Fuck, hell no.
Dave
But it's made of meat.
Mark
I don't eat anything that is considered a pet. A panda is not a pet. A cow is not a pet. A pig is not a pet. You don't take any of those things to your bed and cuddle it at night. I also don't eat shrimp, lobsters, or crab because they remind me of giant insects.
Dave
Lobster is good dude.
Mark
I will never know the joy of eating lobster, I'm sorry.
Dave
Pandas are in zoos, that kinda makes them pets.
Mark
Nope. A zoo is like giant supermarket for exotic meats. The animals are just on display. They are not pets, they are exhibits... of meat and stuff.
Dave
Just promise me you will never eat a panda.
Mark
Only if you shut up.
Dave
.... Would you eat a giraffe?
Mark
Bong. Now.
(end scene)
2 comments:
I think this could be the opening scene of a very funny play. Mark right now feels like he would be the main character, as Dave seems either too dumb or high to realize that "Chineses" is not a word, which would make potential for a very strong sidekick character. Also Mark seems to have more insight into things (how to eat with chopsticks) and needs to get high in order to see Dave's intricate wisdoms. I did really enjoy how Dave notes that we don't put American Eagles on our American food. I loved that part, and also the phrase "mouth shovel" just cracked me up. I like the friendship between Mark and Dave, they seem to respect each other yet have no qualms about shooting down their ideas. In the beginning it seemed that their voices were a little similar, but I think as they continued talking I could see a difference in their personalities and points of view. So far I'm really enjoying their banter and am very interested to see happens next. Do they open a metal spork factory? Sell take out American food to Chinese people? The possibilities are endless!
Thanks for the comment, hehe. Like I said, I never wrote one of these. This is a culmination of things I've had as real discussions with others, ideas in my head, and a lot of it was on the spot as I wrote it :)
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