Waking each morning seeing the sun rise as I drive across the bridge to go to work each and every day, I have a fleeting thought roaming in my head, a passive thought, I just did not fully acknowledge that thought until today. Each day, the sun rises. Each day, time is reset and you are allowed to start over. Groundhogs day, so to speak. Each day is different, each day a new beginning. Bill Murray is awesome, just fyi.
Well sometimes, I don't want a new beginning. I want it to be yesterday. I want to go back and make the RIGHT decisions. Not possible, I know. We all have to live with the consequences to the decisions we make. But still, I wish. I ponder how things would be now if I weren't so foolish. I wonder why I must learn things the hard way instead of having the wisdom to not do foolish things in the first place. Maybe there is a flaw in my DNA, or maybe... on some sort of subconscious level, I just need to hurt inside to be able to really feel. Wow, I sound emo right now.
I've been told by people of my past that I seem to be a different person. Like I have changed, in a good way. More mature, more wise. Less of a dick. Honest. Its too bad the only person that matters to me still doesn't see that. The longer the separation, the more I hate myself because it just means I did that much to her that she still doesn't want to see me, or be with me. It's hard to improve yourself when you still hate the person you used to be. I try to not think about it, it just makes me depressed.
Anyways, if anyone reading this has a time machine, look me up. I will pay handsomely.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Foresight
Things aren't so bad today. My arms are killing me. Worked out at the gym yesterday and used my body as recipient for all my frustration. Feels good at the time, but it catches up to you eventually. Still, I don't regret it. I get out my anger, frustration, all the emotions I pile up inside all at once -- plus doing some good for my body overall. Can't argue with that.
Leila and I are back to talking. It took approximately 26 hours before I broke down and reopened up the lines of communication. The entire day afterwards I felt hollow, empty inside. The void was just bigger, more than I could take. She means so much to me, and I am pretty sure... that part of me still means something to her. I don't know what I'm doing... why do I put myself through this agony when I know that there will probably be more pain for me in the long run. Stubborn, maybe. Or I'm weak. She says I'm not weak, just broken.. and lost. She knows me so well.
Two of my best friends have already grown up and moved on with their lives. We were friends many years ago, all of us bachelors, still in college with the whole world ahead of us. Andrew had his sights on greater things. He was going to school and paying for it himself, working hard physically and mentally. He ended up graduating from WSU with a degree in Criminal Justice and Psychology and becoming a police officer. He likes it, he is happy. He also married the girl he met at college. Her name is Megan. They actually first met in the Atheist club, she was the vice-president if memory serves me correctly. I am completely baffled as to why atheists really need a club. If you don't believe in any sort of religious infrastructure and/or divine entity, anything like that.... why do you need a club to talk about nothing? Anyways, he got married on March 31st in private at the local courthouse of his new home. I am happy for them, and somewhat envious.
Adam is the other friend of mine. We were roommates for a while when he still lived and worked in town. He was very smart, but some would say he lacked socialization skills -- at least with women. For as long as I knew him, he never really had a love life. He was always involved in something to occupy his body or mind. Whether it would be experimenting with different Linux variants, or self defense training. Sometimes he would have what I refer to as a "Adam life crisis" and completely change the direction of his life on a whim by selling all his possessions, or sometimes spending all his savings on something he didn't need... like his 12th RX7 or something like that, just to decide he hates rotary engines (again) 2 months later and sell the car again and starting the cycle over. He moved about a year ago to Bellingham and is going to school up there and is working a salary job. He finally met a girl he can connect with. He's now engaged. I'm happy for him.
I look at my friends and I wonder just how they "figured it out." How did they know what was right for them? How does one make the decision about what values are important to them, go after them, and commit? I look at them and wonder how easy it was to make the decision. When Adam and Andrew both popped the question with their ladies asking them to marry them. I wonder how easy of a decision it was. My mind spins as I ponder. I wish I had that kind of clarity.
I had to lose the only thing that was most important and special to me to realize the value of that person. I had to destroy something I loved in order to fully acknowledge my feelings about her and how I felt all this time. I had to break the heart of the sweetest, most gentle and loving person in the world... many times over, for me to realize just how much she mattered to me. I love Leila more than anything, and would do anything to be back with her. I wish I would have had the foresight to see through my emotions and realize all of this before I ruined it all.
I don't have a time machine. My path has been laid in front of me and I now have to walk through the ruins I have laid if there is still hope that I might mend this broken relationship and join together with my love once again. Each day I punish myself, mentally and physically, for my wrongs I have done. I hope karma, god, whatever greater force there may be, realizes that I have learned my lessons and grants me my greatest wish.
Leila, if you end up reading this one day. I hope that means my wish came true.
I love you, I really do.
Leila and I are back to talking. It took approximately 26 hours before I broke down and reopened up the lines of communication. The entire day afterwards I felt hollow, empty inside. The void was just bigger, more than I could take. She means so much to me, and I am pretty sure... that part of me still means something to her. I don't know what I'm doing... why do I put myself through this agony when I know that there will probably be more pain for me in the long run. Stubborn, maybe. Or I'm weak. She says I'm not weak, just broken.. and lost. She knows me so well.
Two of my best friends have already grown up and moved on with their lives. We were friends many years ago, all of us bachelors, still in college with the whole world ahead of us. Andrew had his sights on greater things. He was going to school and paying for it himself, working hard physically and mentally. He ended up graduating from WSU with a degree in Criminal Justice and Psychology and becoming a police officer. He likes it, he is happy. He also married the girl he met at college. Her name is Megan. They actually first met in the Atheist club, she was the vice-president if memory serves me correctly. I am completely baffled as to why atheists really need a club. If you don't believe in any sort of religious infrastructure and/or divine entity, anything like that.... why do you need a club to talk about nothing? Anyways, he got married on March 31st in private at the local courthouse of his new home. I am happy for them, and somewhat envious.
Adam is the other friend of mine. We were roommates for a while when he still lived and worked in town. He was very smart, but some would say he lacked socialization skills -- at least with women. For as long as I knew him, he never really had a love life. He was always involved in something to occupy his body or mind. Whether it would be experimenting with different Linux variants, or self defense training. Sometimes he would have what I refer to as a "Adam life crisis" and completely change the direction of his life on a whim by selling all his possessions, or sometimes spending all his savings on something he didn't need... like his 12th RX7 or something like that, just to decide he hates rotary engines (again) 2 months later and sell the car again and starting the cycle over. He moved about a year ago to Bellingham and is going to school up there and is working a salary job. He finally met a girl he can connect with. He's now engaged. I'm happy for him.
I look at my friends and I wonder just how they "figured it out." How did they know what was right for them? How does one make the decision about what values are important to them, go after them, and commit? I look at them and wonder how easy it was to make the decision. When Adam and Andrew both popped the question with their ladies asking them to marry them. I wonder how easy of a decision it was. My mind spins as I ponder. I wish I had that kind of clarity.
I had to lose the only thing that was most important and special to me to realize the value of that person. I had to destroy something I loved in order to fully acknowledge my feelings about her and how I felt all this time. I had to break the heart of the sweetest, most gentle and loving person in the world... many times over, for me to realize just how much she mattered to me. I love Leila more than anything, and would do anything to be back with her. I wish I would have had the foresight to see through my emotions and realize all of this before I ruined it all.
I don't have a time machine. My path has been laid in front of me and I now have to walk through the ruins I have laid if there is still hope that I might mend this broken relationship and join together with my love once again. Each day I punish myself, mentally and physically, for my wrongs I have done. I hope karma, god, whatever greater force there may be, realizes that I have learned my lessons and grants me my greatest wish.
Leila, if you end up reading this one day. I hope that means my wish came true.
I love you, I really do.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
I surrender.
It took approximately 72 hours for my heart to tear itself wide open. I tried to persuade myself that things were going to be okay. I passed my time, like usual. Visual entertainment, the Internet, my games, same old stuff. That only carries one so far. I always end up right back where I started, alone in my chair, thinking about things that I cannot change. Trying to convince myself that I just need to give it more time.
Not a peep all day, my phone is silent. I jump when I hear a ring, but its not her. Its just some 800 number calling me, again, for someone else who isn't me, again... collecting on some debt, that again, is not belonging to me. I just ignore them, no point in answering as this has been going on for the past 6 months. I continue to ignore my emotions and my thoughts and involve myself in my games, my entertainment. Keep the mind moving, moving away from thinking about her.
It's 5:30, she should be back in town. She went to visit her friend, Megan. They grew up together, she lives in a suburb town near Seattle. I know why she is going there, because I read it on surveyspace.com. On the hijacked account that I use. I text her... "back yet?" .. I get a response "yep." I asked if she had fun... no reply. So I just text her "well I hope you had fun :)" and I get a reply "sorry, thanks I did!" End of conversation there.
My feet bounce nervously. I look at the time. 6:55 pm. I look to the table next to me where I keep her picture. She is smiling at the person taking the picture, but months without feeling her touch, or the smell of her hair on my pillows has caused my mind to manifest certain things. I have made myself believe that she is smiling at me. Another symbol of hope I've convinced myself in believing in. I go onto the stolen account with a small glimmer of hope, but in the end all I will find, if anything, will break my heart even more.
She's posted a survey. I read it. It says she is interested in someone else. Oxygen leaves me. The room is small, it has no air. I cannot breathe. She is still thinking about moving, to western Washington... she has almost come to her decision. Knowing her, she has already decided. I don't know what it must feel like to have someone reach inside your chest, grab a hold of your heart and just gently start squeezing, tighter and tighter, slowly. But, I think I can imagine as this is the only way I can describe how I am feeling. Tears well up, they leak down my cheeks and my vision becomes blurry. I wipe them and continue to read.
I think I am done describing the details... the rest is trivial. But conclusion is as follows. She can no way, forgive me. I am not in her foreseeable future. She has mild interest in another man, one whom I can imagine to be quiet intelligent, good looking, and probably has the same interest in her. Stirring in the back of my head, I wonder if I am just over analyzing. How can she still love me. I don't understand. Why do you still love someone, if you don't plan on being with them... nor can forgive? How can you love someone under those terms... I don't understand.
Breaking down, I text her again. I confess. I tell her how much I know, and that I again, am sorry. I officially give up. I give up hope. I surrender.
We have a conversation on the phone. By conversation, I mean.. me talking and crying, explaining everything I'm feeling, and that I just cannot sit here with hopes anymore. She listens, and tells me she loves me... but she cannot forgive me for how I've hurt her and that she is sorry. She is sorry, but does she have to be? No.. she doesn't. She cares, I know. She loves me, I know that too... but in the end, none of that matters. It wasn't enough.
Tomorrow will be the first day that I will have truly realized that its over and there's nothing I can do about it. She will be back, in a few days to pick up the last remaining things I still have here, while I am gone. Its better that way. I don't think I can see her without crumbling.. I'm having a hard enough time keeping it together as it is while I am writing this out.
I wish that my heart wasn't broken to begin with. I think maybe then, I might have realized just what I had, while I had it.. not after I lost it.
Leila - I love you always and forever. At least I got to tell you one last time, that I love you. Goodbye... and farewell, my darling...
It's dark in here. I am alone.
Lost.
Not a peep all day, my phone is silent. I jump when I hear a ring, but its not her. Its just some 800 number calling me, again, for someone else who isn't me, again... collecting on some debt, that again, is not belonging to me. I just ignore them, no point in answering as this has been going on for the past 6 months. I continue to ignore my emotions and my thoughts and involve myself in my games, my entertainment. Keep the mind moving, moving away from thinking about her.
It's 5:30, she should be back in town. She went to visit her friend, Megan. They grew up together, she lives in a suburb town near Seattle. I know why she is going there, because I read it on surveyspace.com. On the hijacked account that I use. I text her... "back yet?" .. I get a response "yep." I asked if she had fun... no reply. So I just text her "well I hope you had fun :)" and I get a reply "sorry, thanks I did!" End of conversation there.
My feet bounce nervously. I look at the time. 6:55 pm. I look to the table next to me where I keep her picture. She is smiling at the person taking the picture, but months without feeling her touch, or the smell of her hair on my pillows has caused my mind to manifest certain things. I have made myself believe that she is smiling at me. Another symbol of hope I've convinced myself in believing in. I go onto the stolen account with a small glimmer of hope, but in the end all I will find, if anything, will break my heart even more.
She's posted a survey. I read it. It says she is interested in someone else. Oxygen leaves me. The room is small, it has no air. I cannot breathe. She is still thinking about moving, to western Washington... she has almost come to her decision. Knowing her, she has already decided. I don't know what it must feel like to have someone reach inside your chest, grab a hold of your heart and just gently start squeezing, tighter and tighter, slowly. But, I think I can imagine as this is the only way I can describe how I am feeling. Tears well up, they leak down my cheeks and my vision becomes blurry. I wipe them and continue to read.
I think I am done describing the details... the rest is trivial. But conclusion is as follows. She can no way, forgive me. I am not in her foreseeable future. She has mild interest in another man, one whom I can imagine to be quiet intelligent, good looking, and probably has the same interest in her. Stirring in the back of my head, I wonder if I am just over analyzing. How can she still love me. I don't understand. Why do you still love someone, if you don't plan on being with them... nor can forgive? How can you love someone under those terms... I don't understand.
Breaking down, I text her again. I confess. I tell her how much I know, and that I again, am sorry. I officially give up. I give up hope. I surrender.
We have a conversation on the phone. By conversation, I mean.. me talking and crying, explaining everything I'm feeling, and that I just cannot sit here with hopes anymore. She listens, and tells me she loves me... but she cannot forgive me for how I've hurt her and that she is sorry. She is sorry, but does she have to be? No.. she doesn't. She cares, I know. She loves me, I know that too... but in the end, none of that matters. It wasn't enough.
Tomorrow will be the first day that I will have truly realized that its over and there's nothing I can do about it. She will be back, in a few days to pick up the last remaining things I still have here, while I am gone. Its better that way. I don't think I can see her without crumbling.. I'm having a hard enough time keeping it together as it is while I am writing this out.
I wish that my heart wasn't broken to begin with. I think maybe then, I might have realized just what I had, while I had it.. not after I lost it.
Leila - I love you always and forever. At least I got to tell you one last time, that I love you. Goodbye... and farewell, my darling...
It's dark in here. I am alone.
Lost.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Decompression Sickness
Today I woke up like any other. Alarm went off, 10 minutes early again. Each morning I ask myself the same question, "Why is the alarm set 10 minutes early?" Even though I know the answer, I still ask myself the same question. Obviously my alert self is more aware of my habits of sleeping in. I remember this as I stumble out of bed with my feet on the cold floor. Don't trip over the cat, again.
Skipping ahead, we arrive at work. Routine day. Clock in, fire up the computer. What kind of news is out today. I still have 25 minutes before we officially open, thats 25 minutes of spare time to waste and be paid to do so. Myspace, glad I don't have one anymore. Social networking, whatever. Should be renamed to whorespace, or surveyspace, or perhaps something like.. glitterandgraphicandannoyingplaybackmusicspace. I don't have an account, but I borrow one so I can read the current "moods" of some people I don't get to see too often.
A survey, I read it. Typical myspace survey. Favorite food, what were you doing last night, same boring things. I read this why? Insight. If you are completely closed out of someones life, but desperately want to be apart of it again. Your options are limited. I settle for brief glimpses into the life of my other, well not my ex-other. This "break" is killing me. I need something, anything. Something to convince myself that this break is good for me, for us. I read on.
This one hurt. The answer to "Was the last person you made out with someone you dated?" was No. "Do you regret anything in the last week?" -- I hope not :) Chest clenching tight, a familiar feeling. I look up, I try not to let my eyes yell out to the rest of my coworkers that my chest is imploding in on itself. I don't want to keep reading, but I'm not done yet. I continue. She plans on moving to the coast, or at least is entertaining the idea. She had just been there for a week, with family, visiting friends. Guy friends. Many nice guy friends, who are probably better than me in the eyes of God, or whatever greater power there may be. My chest tightens more.
Its just shy of 3 months now, this break. This time apart. When she left, she said to me "pretend I am just going on a long vacation." Days later, she said she missed me. She wanted to go on a date, to start over later. But those initial seperation feelings faded. Soon it was "I need some time," and "its too soon." Previous experience has taught me rushing this kind of phase to be bad. I put on my best positive face, I refrain myself from screwing myself by acting like I am in 10th grade. I give her space, only texting her very seldom, mostly only at night before bed to wish her goodnight and to tell her that I love her. She replies the same. Each "I love you" from her is like a brick that I stack, one at a time, building back a foundation for our relationship to stand on once again. My stack of bricks still isn't very big... but its getting there, or at least I still hope.
This morning I break down. Seeing a combination of vague points, letting my mind wander. What's this decision she's talked about having made, is she or has she replaced me? I feel like I am under water. Unable to breath, unable to move. Pressure all around me crushing my chest, my heart, my bones. My hand is trembling. I look up around me, no one is watching me. At least that's good, I don't want to explain the deathly look on my face and my why my eyes are welling up.
I calm down, I am swimming to the surface. But still, I feel like I am aching inside, I still have the shakes. Decompression sickness. I make a mistake. I pick up my phone, I send some texts and ask her how she feels about being with me. I get the answer I already expected.... "still not sure" and "there are many things I still can't get over." and "I don't know." 3 months patiently waiting, it will continue.
She doesn't hate me, she says she doesn't have the heart to hate anyone. But someone should hate me, it would only be fair. I take up the responsiblity of hating myself. Punishing yourself for mistakes is not healthy, I know this. But there's no way I could go each day guilt free of my past. Stupid, juvenille things.
I wish I could grow up.
Skipping ahead, we arrive at work. Routine day. Clock in, fire up the computer. What kind of news is out today. I still have 25 minutes before we officially open, thats 25 minutes of spare time to waste and be paid to do so. Myspace, glad I don't have one anymore. Social networking, whatever. Should be renamed to whorespace, or surveyspace, or perhaps something like.. glitterandgraphicandannoyingplaybackmusicspace. I don't have an account, but I borrow one so I can read the current "moods" of some people I don't get to see too often.
A survey, I read it. Typical myspace survey. Favorite food, what were you doing last night, same boring things. I read this why? Insight. If you are completely closed out of someones life, but desperately want to be apart of it again. Your options are limited. I settle for brief glimpses into the life of my other, well not my ex-other. This "break" is killing me. I need something, anything. Something to convince myself that this break is good for me, for us. I read on.
This one hurt. The answer to "Was the last person you made out with someone you dated?" was No. "Do you regret anything in the last week?" -- I hope not :) Chest clenching tight, a familiar feeling. I look up, I try not to let my eyes yell out to the rest of my coworkers that my chest is imploding in on itself. I don't want to keep reading, but I'm not done yet. I continue. She plans on moving to the coast, or at least is entertaining the idea. She had just been there for a week, with family, visiting friends. Guy friends. Many nice guy friends, who are probably better than me in the eyes of God, or whatever greater power there may be. My chest tightens more.
Its just shy of 3 months now, this break. This time apart. When she left, she said to me "pretend I am just going on a long vacation." Days later, she said she missed me. She wanted to go on a date, to start over later. But those initial seperation feelings faded. Soon it was "I need some time," and "its too soon." Previous experience has taught me rushing this kind of phase to be bad. I put on my best positive face, I refrain myself from screwing myself by acting like I am in 10th grade. I give her space, only texting her very seldom, mostly only at night before bed to wish her goodnight and to tell her that I love her. She replies the same. Each "I love you" from her is like a brick that I stack, one at a time, building back a foundation for our relationship to stand on once again. My stack of bricks still isn't very big... but its getting there, or at least I still hope.
This morning I break down. Seeing a combination of vague points, letting my mind wander. What's this decision she's talked about having made, is she or has she replaced me? I feel like I am under water. Unable to breath, unable to move. Pressure all around me crushing my chest, my heart, my bones. My hand is trembling. I look up around me, no one is watching me. At least that's good, I don't want to explain the deathly look on my face and my why my eyes are welling up.
I calm down, I am swimming to the surface. But still, I feel like I am aching inside, I still have the shakes. Decompression sickness. I make a mistake. I pick up my phone, I send some texts and ask her how she feels about being with me. I get the answer I already expected.... "still not sure" and "there are many things I still can't get over." and "I don't know." 3 months patiently waiting, it will continue.
She doesn't hate me, she says she doesn't have the heart to hate anyone. But someone should hate me, it would only be fair. I take up the responsiblity of hating myself. Punishing yourself for mistakes is not healthy, I know this. But there's no way I could go each day guilt free of my past. Stupid, juvenille things.
I wish I could grow up.
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