Today I woke up like any other. Alarm went off, 10 minutes early again. Each morning I ask myself the same question, "Why is the alarm set 10 minutes early?" Even though I know the answer, I still ask myself the same question. Obviously my alert self is more aware of my habits of sleeping in. I remember this as I stumble out of bed with my feet on the cold floor. Don't trip over the cat, again.
Skipping ahead, we arrive at work. Routine day. Clock in, fire up the computer. What kind of news is out today. I still have 25 minutes before we officially open, thats 25 minutes of spare time to waste and be paid to do so. Myspace, glad I don't have one anymore. Social networking, whatever. Should be renamed to whorespace, or surveyspace, or perhaps something like.. glitterandgraphicandannoyingplaybackmusicspace. I don't have an account, but I borrow one so I can read the current "moods" of some people I don't get to see too often.
A survey, I read it. Typical myspace survey. Favorite food, what were you doing last night, same boring things. I read this why? Insight. If you are completely closed out of someones life, but desperately want to be apart of it again. Your options are limited. I settle for brief glimpses into the life of my other, well not my ex-other. This "break" is killing me. I need something, anything. Something to convince myself that this break is good for me, for us. I read on.
This one hurt. The answer to "Was the last person you made out with someone you dated?" was No. "Do you regret anything in the last week?" -- I hope not :) Chest clenching tight, a familiar feeling. I look up, I try not to let my eyes yell out to the rest of my coworkers that my chest is imploding in on itself. I don't want to keep reading, but I'm not done yet. I continue. She plans on moving to the coast, or at least is entertaining the idea. She had just been there for a week, with family, visiting friends. Guy friends. Many nice guy friends, who are probably better than me in the eyes of God, or whatever greater power there may be. My chest tightens more.
Its just shy of 3 months now, this break. This time apart. When she left, she said to me "pretend I am just going on a long vacation." Days later, she said she missed me. She wanted to go on a date, to start over later. But those initial seperation feelings faded. Soon it was "I need some time," and "its too soon." Previous experience has taught me rushing this kind of phase to be bad. I put on my best positive face, I refrain myself from screwing myself by acting like I am in 10th grade. I give her space, only texting her very seldom, mostly only at night before bed to wish her goodnight and to tell her that I love her. She replies the same. Each "I love you" from her is like a brick that I stack, one at a time, building back a foundation for our relationship to stand on once again. My stack of bricks still isn't very big... but its getting there, or at least I still hope.
This morning I break down. Seeing a combination of vague points, letting my mind wander. What's this decision she's talked about having made, is she or has she replaced me? I feel like I am under water. Unable to breath, unable to move. Pressure all around me crushing my chest, my heart, my bones. My hand is trembling. I look up around me, no one is watching me. At least that's good, I don't want to explain the deathly look on my face and my why my eyes are welling up.
I calm down, I am swimming to the surface. But still, I feel like I am aching inside, I still have the shakes. Decompression sickness. I make a mistake. I pick up my phone, I send some texts and ask her how she feels about being with me. I get the answer I already expected.... "still not sure" and "there are many things I still can't get over." and "I don't know." 3 months patiently waiting, it will continue.
She doesn't hate me, she says she doesn't have the heart to hate anyone. But someone should hate me, it would only be fair. I take up the responsiblity of hating myself. Punishing yourself for mistakes is not healthy, I know this. But there's no way I could go each day guilt free of my past. Stupid, juvenille things.
I wish I could grow up.
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