Foresight

Things aren't so bad today. My arms are killing me. Worked out at the gym yesterday and used my body as recipient for all my frustration. Feels good at the time, but it catches up to you eventually. Still, I don't regret it. I get out my anger, frustration, all the emotions I pile up inside all at once -- plus doing some good for my body overall. Can't argue with that.

Leila and I are back to talking. It took approximately 26 hours before I broke down and reopened up the lines of communication. The entire day afterwards I felt hollow, empty inside. The void was just bigger, more than I could take. She means so much to me, and I am pretty sure... that part of me still means something to her. I don't know what I'm doing... why do I put myself through this agony when I know that there will probably be more pain for me in the long run. Stubborn, maybe. Or I'm weak. She says I'm not weak, just broken.. and lost. She knows me so well.

Two of my best friends have already grown up and moved on with their lives. We were friends many years ago, all of us bachelors, still in college with the whole world ahead of us. Andrew had his sights on greater things. He was going to school and paying for it himself, working hard physically and mentally. He ended up graduating from WSU with a degree in Criminal Justice and Psychology and becoming a police officer. He likes it, he is happy. He also married the girl he met at college. Her name is Megan. They actually first met in the Atheist club, she was the vice-president if memory serves me correctly. I am completely baffled as to why atheists really need a club. If you don't believe in any sort of religious infrastructure and/or divine entity, anything like that.... why do you need a club to talk about nothing? Anyways, he got married on March 31st in private at the local courthouse of his new home. I am happy for them, and somewhat envious.

Adam is the other friend of mine. We were roommates for a while when he still lived and worked in town. He was very smart, but some would say he lacked socialization skills -- at least with women. For as long as I knew him, he never really had a love life. He was always involved in something to occupy his body or mind. Whether it would be experimenting with different Linux variants, or self defense training. Sometimes he would have what I refer to as a "Adam life crisis" and completely change the direction of his life on a whim by selling all his possessions, or sometimes spending all his savings on something he didn't need... like his 12th RX7 or something like that, just to decide he hates rotary engines (again) 2 months later and sell the car again and starting the cycle over. He moved about a year ago to Bellingham and is going to school up there and is working a salary job. He finally met a girl he can connect with. He's now engaged. I'm happy for him.

I look at my friends and I wonder just how they "figured it out." How did they know what was right for them? How does one make the decision about what values are important to them, go after them, and commit? I look at them and wonder how easy it was to make the decision. When Adam and Andrew both popped the question with their ladies asking them to marry them. I wonder how easy of a decision it was. My mind spins as I ponder. I wish I had that kind of clarity.

I had to lose the only thing that was most important and special to me to realize the value of that person. I had to destroy something I loved in order to fully acknowledge my feelings about her and how I felt all this time. I had to break the heart of the sweetest, most gentle and loving person in the world... many times over, for me to realize just how much she mattered to me. I love Leila more than anything, and would do anything to be back with her. I wish I would have had the foresight to see through my emotions and realize all of this before I ruined it all.

I don't have a time machine. My path has been laid in front of me and I now have to walk through the ruins I have laid if there is still hope that I might mend this broken relationship and join together with my love once again. Each day I punish myself, mentally and physically, for my wrongs I have done. I hope karma, god, whatever greater force there may be, realizes that I have learned my lessons and grants me my greatest wish.

Leila, if you end up reading this one day. I hope that means my wish came true.

I love you, I really do.