I surrender.

It took approximately 72 hours for my heart to tear itself wide open. I tried to persuade myself that things were going to be okay. I passed my time, like usual. Visual entertainment, the Internet, my games, same old stuff. That only carries one so far. I always end up right back where I started, alone in my chair, thinking about things that I cannot change. Trying to convince myself that I just need to give it more time.

Not a peep all day, my phone is silent. I jump when I hear a ring, but its not her. Its just some 800 number calling me, again, for someone else who isn't me, again... collecting on some debt, that again, is not belonging to me. I just ignore them, no point in answering as this has been going on for the past 6 months. I continue to ignore my emotions and my thoughts and involve myself in my games, my entertainment. Keep the mind moving, moving away from thinking about her.

It's 5:30, she should be back in town. She went to visit her friend, Megan. They grew up together, she lives in a suburb town near Seattle. I know why she is going there, because I read it on surveyspace.com. On the hijacked account that I use. I text her... "back yet?" .. I get a response "yep." I asked if she had fun... no reply. So I just text her "well I hope you had fun :)" and I get a reply "sorry, thanks I did!" End of conversation there.

My feet bounce nervously. I look at the time. 6:55 pm. I look to the table next to me where I keep her picture. She is smiling at the person taking the picture, but months without feeling her touch, or the smell of her hair on my pillows has caused my mind to manifest certain things. I have made myself believe that she is smiling at me. Another symbol of hope I've convinced myself in believing in. I go onto the stolen account with a small glimmer of hope, but in the end all I will find, if anything, will break my heart even more.

She's posted a survey. I read it. It says she is interested in someone else. Oxygen leaves me. The room is small, it has no air. I cannot breathe. She is still thinking about moving, to western Washington... she has almost come to her decision. Knowing her, she has already decided. I don't know what it must feel like to have someone reach inside your chest, grab a hold of your heart and just gently start squeezing, tighter and tighter, slowly. But, I think I can imagine as this is the only way I can describe how I am feeling. Tears well up, they leak down my cheeks and my vision becomes blurry. I wipe them and continue to read.

I think I am done describing the details... the rest is trivial. But conclusion is as follows. She can no way, forgive me. I am not in her foreseeable future. She has mild interest in another man, one whom I can imagine to be quiet intelligent, good looking, and probably has the same interest in her. Stirring in the back of my head, I wonder if I am just over analyzing. How can she still love me. I don't understand. Why do you still love someone, if you don't plan on being with them... nor can forgive? How can you love someone under those terms... I don't understand.

Breaking down, I text her again. I confess. I tell her how much I know, and that I again, am sorry. I officially give up. I give up hope. I surrender.

We have a conversation on the phone. By conversation, I mean.. me talking and crying, explaining everything I'm feeling, and that I just cannot sit here with hopes anymore. She listens, and tells me she loves me... but she cannot forgive me for how I've hurt her and that she is sorry. She is sorry, but does she have to be? No.. she doesn't. She cares, I know. She loves me, I know that too... but in the end, none of that matters. It wasn't enough.

Tomorrow will be the first day that I will have truly realized that its over and there's nothing I can do about it. She will be back, in a few days to pick up the last remaining things I still have here, while I am gone. Its better that way. I don't think I can see her without crumbling.. I'm having a hard enough time keeping it together as it is while I am writing this out.

I wish that my heart wasn't broken to begin with. I think maybe then, I might have realized just what I had, while I had it.. not after I lost it.

Leila - I love you always and forever. At least I got to tell you one last time, that I love you. Goodbye... and farewell, my darling...

It's dark in here. I am alone.

Lost.