Jigsaw Puzzle

Once you realize that what you hoped would happen won't happen, the mind and heart makes the decision for you that it is now time to get past things and move on. I think that is what happened when I finally met Leila and her new boyfriend at PAX.

It took a couple weeks, but my mind has settled down and I think I am finally accepting what had finally come to a close over 8 months ago. Time to put the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle back together -- reveal the life that is to come ahead of me, one piece at a time.

In celebration of my resurrection, I decided to seek out those who I had lost touch with due to various reasons in the past years. I wanted to rectify, rekindle, and rebuild some of my past bonds that fell apart for dumb reasons. One of which I am particularly happy about is one with a girl named Heather. A sweet red head who had just met me at the wrong time in her life. I had to get mean in the past to finally separate myself from her because of the fucked up conditions that were building around our friendship. It has been over 2 years since that happened. But with the help of the god forsaken myspace (aka whorespace, surveyspace, etc) I was able to finally locate her, and send her some kind of message.

Once we talked for a couple days, it felt really good to have someone to talk to again. My list of friends outside of my workplace has dwindled quite a bit. I think the next couple months of my life are surely going to be different -- I want to build myself back to being a good person, a happy person. I think I've paid my dues for a lot of my wrongs, so I think I deserve a little good fortune.

The first pieces of the puzzle have come together.

Erased

What is scary is letting go. Finally breaking the bonds I've kept so sacred, letting go of that piece of my heart and fortifying myself to endure once again. To stand on my own. That part of my heart is broken, now somewhat mended. Time now to erase some of that from myself and move forward. It scares the living hell out of me, but I've done it before.

I am so typical it would seem. Here I am, blogging, as though my feelings are somewhat insightful or somehow unique, when they aren't. I am just a overgrown boy, that's all. But oh well, everyone pretends to be something else all the time. Some are just better than others.

I'm not sure where to take myself in my coming future. I guess, I should try to find what makes me happy. I'm not sure how I figure that out anymore. I made my source of happiness to be her, but maybe that was a mistake. After all, there is more in life than just finding that someone you think represents your other half.

Erasing, bits at a time. Mending, healing. This is going to be enduring. I've already stopped speaking to her, as much. Once, in the past week. What is sad to me, is that she hasn't asked why I've not talked to her. Somewhat saddening, but I guess in the end it doesn't really matter.

Resurrection commencing...

Time Lapsed

It has been a great many months since I posted anything new. I suppose, for a duration of time, I didn't have anything worth posting. No, wait. I lied. That is not true. Why am I here trying to lie about my own feelings.. to myself. That makes no sense. Why am I always trying to lie to myself, and hide..?

Truth is, many things have changed in the last few months. I am not sure where to exactly begin. She has moved, it finally happened. After months of anticipation, preparing myself for the eventual news that she was going to be leaving, it has finally happened. And truth is, I still was not ready to face it. When I heard the news, I pretended to be happy for her and I was supportive. But on the inside, my chest felt caved in and something broke inside.. again. My insides are getting used to be churned up and put back together. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing, yet.

I bring this post to you while sitting in a LAN party room at PAX. I am supposed to be having fun, but I find myself to be rather lonely sitting here amongst the hundreds of nerds and gamers walking all around me. I had all these ideas, plans that I was going to be enjoying myself. Those kind of left me approximately an hour ago.

I ran into her, she was coming here the whole time. I met her, and then I met him. Yes, there is a him now. At first I thought they were coworkers, but that became apparently not the case when I saw how he looked at her. He took her hand, brushed her cheek. The sudden rush of awkward rolled over me. I made some excuse (I don't even remember what I said) but I left before she could see the look on my face. She probably already saw it, but thats not really the point. I ran. I ran away.

Counting backwards I think that I should be somewhat over this by now. The fact that I am not remains onto me somewhat a mystery. Or is it? Maybe, just maybe it's because this time, it all meant something. That's gone, why the fuck am I still holding on to it? Why can't I throw it all behind me, like all the others before? Why does it still feel like a fresh wound, when it should be hardened and healed by now... why the FUCK does this still hurt? WHY?

I just want to get the farthest away from here as I can. Despite that I have only been here a few hours and have only seen very little. I just want to get away and go. Every fiber in my body is wanting to just run. But, I keep telling myself that if I stay I will find a way to make my time fun here. I don't know. I don't fucking know.

This place has a history of being painful to me. I think, this is my last year coming.

A man chooses, a slave obeys.

It seems like it's been eons since I last posted some of my thoughts. Not sure why, maybe because when I am emotionally content, balanced.. I have less things on my mind that need to come out. However, let's face it. My balance is a farce at best.

Today I have lunch with her. First time meeting in a social setting outside of brief run ins at each others respective homes in 5 months. I am excited, but at the same time scared. There is always an awkwardness that I exude when I am around her. It's just funny to me, that after 5 months apart I still almost fall into old habit and almost kiss her each time I see her. I think my emotions just decided to take a vacation from reality and when she's around, they all come rushing back and don't realize just what has been happening for the last 5 months. I will continue to bend my mind around this reality, no matter how much I desire it not to be so. For both our sakes.

Next month is her birthday so I am taking her to see Nine Inch Nails in Seattle. The plan is to spend the day together, and either have a late night then drive home, or get a place to post up for the night. I am trying not to let my mind wander as to what that that may mean, together in a hotel for a night. 1 bed or 2? These kinds of things are best left until its actually time to deal with them, no point in getting worked up for something that's not even happened yet.

Other than that, my life has been pretty simple. I bury myself in my computer, in my games, and my work when I am working. Sleep escapes me most of the time, no change there. I have become accustomed to 5 hours of sleep a night. My diet plan failed, of course I knew it would. My habit of going to the gym to work out 3 nights a week has also failed. Why? I am a creature of habit, and I have many bad habits. Being unmotivated is one of them, unfortunately.

A man chooses, a slave obeys. It's time for me to start choosing.

Good morning?

Email received. Title: Good Morning. From: Leila. Date: 9/16/06 @ 8:48 am.

That is the email I received the next day rather. I did not check my email until the following Saturday. The contents, of which, were not very "good morning" inspiring. This was a reality check email, from her perspective. I don't have the email on this computer, so I will just basically recap some of the points made in the email.

Point 1 Summary - We are broke up, but that doesn't mean I'm telling you to get over or move on. Time *might* heal things.

She starts the email off stating that she understands I miss her and what we used to have. However, she is not wanting to see me on any regular basis. Also, she goes on to state that my sending her "cute" messages is not okay, because she broke up with me for a reason and that I need to stop talking to her as if we are still together. Sounds like a fair request, no? Well, that's one reason I hate women. If you don't want me to be cute around you, then why when I see you, you still kiss me? You still call me "honey" and tell me you love me when I say goodnight? If there were lines you had in mind, I would have thought they would have been crossed with the kissing me again part. Not the "cute" text message line. Telling me that time *might* mend things, and that I shouldn't "move" on.. what are you trying to say you want out of me? I feel like an overdue DVD, sure you know its time with you is over... but you want to hold onto it anyways, just in case you might want to watch it after all.

Point 2 Summary - While I don't take much stock in what other people say about you, I still believe them.

This part is where I am confused. She goes on to state that after we broke up, she heard a lot of rumors about me regarding stuff going on that I was doing behind her back... Something about a girl at Food Pavilion, communicating with my ex Amanda, as her cited examples. A.) Who the fuck do I know that works at Food Pavilion? B.) Amanda... lol!

The Food Pavilion person I have no idea what that is about. The only people I know there is Troy, who's a sleaze bag all on his own. And a girl named Melanie, who hasn't worked there for over a year. And Melanie doesn't even live in Wenatchee anymore, and is somewhere in Snoqualmie or some shit last I heard. Also, I barely knew her. I just only was friends with her BARELY through party/social run-ins. God knows where she is now. If that's who she thinks I was fooling around with, then someone please get her a calendar with some dates on it so she can see whoever has told her this stuff has no fucking idea what they are talking about.

Amanda... man that is super funny. We had something over 5 years ago. Yes, that's right. This is going back to 5 years ago. And that something ended after about 4 weeks ish. A really short story, summarized in even shorter terms. I will try to restate, without using adverbs. Amanda like Mike. Mike like Amanda. Dated 1 month. Amanda confesses love. Mike breaks up with Amanda. Point, set, match. Done. That's how simple it was. Yes, we dated for a time. Messed around a bit, that was it. I was no where near ready for a serious relationship. I made those abundantly clear before things even didn't get started. But, of course I failed to realize that women have a distorted view on things. The classic "give him what he wants til he changes to what I want" tactic. So after a month, she tells me she really loves me and all the alarms go off in my head. I later tell her again, how I feel... and that's when it ended. She got out of my car, crying in her driveway. I drove home. Did I feel bad? Not really, I was angry. I later had to fight a whole fiasco of bullshit on myspace from her little rant saying how I used her, blah blah blah and her friends bashing on me. She later apologized for that. But you know what, I still think back and I still get angry about it. Fucking women.

Amanda started dating Brad, a friend of mine and has also known Amanda himself longer than me since they were in high school together. Brad works in a gas station, has no ambition, and thinks the world owes him his dues. What dues? He lives his life like he's on some kind of social welfare.. like he is somehow some kind of victim of financial and life inhibiting circumstance that the world owes him a free ticket to success and happiness. This is her boyfriend, gas station man. She, is going to graduate school for a Master's in psychology. Gas station man + future psychology professional. You see what I'm getting at? You don't need a Master's degree to figure out that this isn't going to work out.

Well, that long story is as follows. They eventually broke up, and of course it was my doing. Well, it was and it wasn't. She was having problems with him, confessed she still had feelings for me. They write an email TOGETHER from her to me confronting me about wanting to break them up. I later learned that this was written with his supervision later on after they broke up anyways. They broke up because she didn't love him she said. She asked me if we still had some kind of chance, I told her no. She decided we couldn't be friends. Then, she wished me luck with Leila and told me that Brad was talking to her feeding her all his bullshit, just for my own awareness. Done, that was it.

I kind of went off on a tangent there, but here is the third point.

Point 3 Summary - You copied a folder with pictures of me to your computer. That folder also has pictures of my younger sisters. This makes me think your a pedophile.

Now this really gets under my skin. I felt enraged reading this. We were together just under 2 years. I've spent countless evenings accompanying her to dinner at her house with her family. I got to know her mom, her dad, and her sisters and brother and I started seeing them as my own family as well. My own family... who I cared about, who I learn to care about and who learned to care about me. So that being said, when she does everything but accuse me of wanting to fuck her younger sisters, how should I feel about that? Fucking pissed, that's how.

Point 4 Summary - I'm not the same person I was, but I am not sure if that's a good thing.

I have made her into a person she didn't want to be. That for a year, she tried to convey to me she was not happy with the relationship as it was on some kind of level. However, she is different now. But, she does not know if this is a good thing. She talks about having no ill will towards me, no malice, no hate. That she thinks everyone deserves a second chance. That people do stupid things, sometimes. But that doesn't mean that person is a bad person. That someone deserves to be forgiven.

Unless, that someone is me.

Hypocrite.

Pick a flavor: Paxil, Zoloft, or Prozac?

It's been a few weeks since I cited anything. Maybe that means its getting easier, being alone. Is it finally setting in? My single-ness. My life missing her by my side? It kind of scares me, in a way.

I can't decide if this is good news or not. Yesterday she sends me a text wishing me good morning. Not unusual, but also not expected considering we are now going on 5 months apart from eachother -- and I've seen her about 4 times in that time span. Most of the time I'm texting her, just hoping to find an excuse to do so. The conversations are short lived. I'm like a drug addict just needing a little fix each day to get me through. She is like candy to my heart.

The text, right.. after that she says to me she is thinking about seeing a therapist to get a prescription for antidepressants. Apparently she's been depressed, for quite a while now actually. Real bad right until the last couple months of our being together. I think about this and I begin to feel, mixed about it. In one hand, I think that this means that the fall of our relationship together would mean that maybe it wasn't all me. Just maybe, she just had a head full of inbalances and breaking up with me would take that strain off of her? If now that its been months, and there has been no change, then maybe she is just now realizing I wasn't the cause of her depression? Sure, that makes you feel good.. a little. But then I think.. wait a minute.. so she is depressed and needs to see a therapist.. okay why am I happy that this is a good thing?

In these kinds of mind struggles, I tend to offset the imbalance with logic. First of all, this does not change my situation one way or another, so no need to work up my head around it. Second, she is depressed and doesn't know what else to do about it -- besides seeing a therapist and getting some candy coated artificial happiness. Now, these things in mind, where do I come in?

She is also struggling with her finances as of late as well. She gets it from her dad, but I can understand because I'm about 1/2 the same as her when it comes to how I deal with depression and/or being unhappy. When I am unhappy, I buy things I don't necessarily need. Needless expense on anything from video games, eating out, or just plain being irresponsible with money. She is about 200% worse than me. She has had to take out a personal loan with her dad co-signing so she can pay off her credit card debt. However, she is still stuck with a mountain of bills with a tiny mountain of money lining her pockets.

She doesn't like asking for help, I know that much. But this time she did, and she asked me. That is important, at least to me. I'm going to see if I can catch up with her tonight and give her what extra money I can to help. Why am I doing this you might think? Because I still fucking love her, dammit.

Every person I have met that has been on the big 3 -- those being Paxil, Zoloft, or Prozac -- has never said it had helped them. Most of them said it made them feel different, not depressed, but not normal or happy. Just different. And most of them developed a dependancy to them. That's what I am afraid of happening to her. I don't want her to change into a completely different Leila.

She's also been trying to find a way to move away to her home town on the other side of the Cascades... its about 2 hours away. If she moves, its pretty much done I think. Part of me is still selfish and wants her to stay, the other part thinks that maybe if she moved, she might be happy. I quickly almost go to tears thinking about her in another place, with another guy in her life. Well fuck me, now I'm getting depressed again.

2008 sure seems to be the year of life changing events.

Groundhog's Day

Waking each morning seeing the sun rise as I drive across the bridge to go to work each and every day, I have a fleeting thought roaming in my head, a passive thought, I just did not fully acknowledge that thought until today. Each day, the sun rises. Each day, time is reset and you are allowed to start over. Groundhogs day, so to speak. Each day is different, each day a new beginning. Bill Murray is awesome, just fyi.

Well sometimes, I don't want a new beginning. I want it to be yesterday. I want to go back and make the RIGHT decisions. Not possible, I know. We all have to live with the consequences to the decisions we make. But still, I wish. I ponder how things would be now if I weren't so foolish. I wonder why I must learn things the hard way instead of having the wisdom to not do foolish things in the first place. Maybe there is a flaw in my DNA, or maybe... on some sort of subconscious level, I just need to hurt inside to be able to really feel. Wow, I sound emo right now.

I've been told by people of my past that I seem to be a different person. Like I have changed, in a good way. More mature, more wise. Less of a dick. Honest. Its too bad the only person that matters to me still doesn't see that. The longer the separation, the more I hate myself because it just means I did that much to her that she still doesn't want to see me, or be with me. It's hard to improve yourself when you still hate the person you used to be. I try to not think about it, it just makes me depressed.

Anyways, if anyone reading this has a time machine, look me up. I will pay handsomely.

Foresight

Things aren't so bad today. My arms are killing me. Worked out at the gym yesterday and used my body as recipient for all my frustration. Feels good at the time, but it catches up to you eventually. Still, I don't regret it. I get out my anger, frustration, all the emotions I pile up inside all at once -- plus doing some good for my body overall. Can't argue with that.

Leila and I are back to talking. It took approximately 26 hours before I broke down and reopened up the lines of communication. The entire day afterwards I felt hollow, empty inside. The void was just bigger, more than I could take. She means so much to me, and I am pretty sure... that part of me still means something to her. I don't know what I'm doing... why do I put myself through this agony when I know that there will probably be more pain for me in the long run. Stubborn, maybe. Or I'm weak. She says I'm not weak, just broken.. and lost. She knows me so well.

Two of my best friends have already grown up and moved on with their lives. We were friends many years ago, all of us bachelors, still in college with the whole world ahead of us. Andrew had his sights on greater things. He was going to school and paying for it himself, working hard physically and mentally. He ended up graduating from WSU with a degree in Criminal Justice and Psychology and becoming a police officer. He likes it, he is happy. He also married the girl he met at college. Her name is Megan. They actually first met in the Atheist club, she was the vice-president if memory serves me correctly. I am completely baffled as to why atheists really need a club. If you don't believe in any sort of religious infrastructure and/or divine entity, anything like that.... why do you need a club to talk about nothing? Anyways, he got married on March 31st in private at the local courthouse of his new home. I am happy for them, and somewhat envious.

Adam is the other friend of mine. We were roommates for a while when he still lived and worked in town. He was very smart, but some would say he lacked socialization skills -- at least with women. For as long as I knew him, he never really had a love life. He was always involved in something to occupy his body or mind. Whether it would be experimenting with different Linux variants, or self defense training. Sometimes he would have what I refer to as a "Adam life crisis" and completely change the direction of his life on a whim by selling all his possessions, or sometimes spending all his savings on something he didn't need... like his 12th RX7 or something like that, just to decide he hates rotary engines (again) 2 months later and sell the car again and starting the cycle over. He moved about a year ago to Bellingham and is going to school up there and is working a salary job. He finally met a girl he can connect with. He's now engaged. I'm happy for him.

I look at my friends and I wonder just how they "figured it out." How did they know what was right for them? How does one make the decision about what values are important to them, go after them, and commit? I look at them and wonder how easy it was to make the decision. When Adam and Andrew both popped the question with their ladies asking them to marry them. I wonder how easy of a decision it was. My mind spins as I ponder. I wish I had that kind of clarity.

I had to lose the only thing that was most important and special to me to realize the value of that person. I had to destroy something I loved in order to fully acknowledge my feelings about her and how I felt all this time. I had to break the heart of the sweetest, most gentle and loving person in the world... many times over, for me to realize just how much she mattered to me. I love Leila more than anything, and would do anything to be back with her. I wish I would have had the foresight to see through my emotions and realize all of this before I ruined it all.

I don't have a time machine. My path has been laid in front of me and I now have to walk through the ruins I have laid if there is still hope that I might mend this broken relationship and join together with my love once again. Each day I punish myself, mentally and physically, for my wrongs I have done. I hope karma, god, whatever greater force there may be, realizes that I have learned my lessons and grants me my greatest wish.

Leila, if you end up reading this one day. I hope that means my wish came true.

I love you, I really do.

I surrender.

It took approximately 72 hours for my heart to tear itself wide open. I tried to persuade myself that things were going to be okay. I passed my time, like usual. Visual entertainment, the Internet, my games, same old stuff. That only carries one so far. I always end up right back where I started, alone in my chair, thinking about things that I cannot change. Trying to convince myself that I just need to give it more time.

Not a peep all day, my phone is silent. I jump when I hear a ring, but its not her. Its just some 800 number calling me, again, for someone else who isn't me, again... collecting on some debt, that again, is not belonging to me. I just ignore them, no point in answering as this has been going on for the past 6 months. I continue to ignore my emotions and my thoughts and involve myself in my games, my entertainment. Keep the mind moving, moving away from thinking about her.

It's 5:30, she should be back in town. She went to visit her friend, Megan. They grew up together, she lives in a suburb town near Seattle. I know why she is going there, because I read it on surveyspace.com. On the hijacked account that I use. I text her... "back yet?" .. I get a response "yep." I asked if she had fun... no reply. So I just text her "well I hope you had fun :)" and I get a reply "sorry, thanks I did!" End of conversation there.

My feet bounce nervously. I look at the time. 6:55 pm. I look to the table next to me where I keep her picture. She is smiling at the person taking the picture, but months without feeling her touch, or the smell of her hair on my pillows has caused my mind to manifest certain things. I have made myself believe that she is smiling at me. Another symbol of hope I've convinced myself in believing in. I go onto the stolen account with a small glimmer of hope, but in the end all I will find, if anything, will break my heart even more.

She's posted a survey. I read it. It says she is interested in someone else. Oxygen leaves me. The room is small, it has no air. I cannot breathe. She is still thinking about moving, to western Washington... she has almost come to her decision. Knowing her, she has already decided. I don't know what it must feel like to have someone reach inside your chest, grab a hold of your heart and just gently start squeezing, tighter and tighter, slowly. But, I think I can imagine as this is the only way I can describe how I am feeling. Tears well up, they leak down my cheeks and my vision becomes blurry. I wipe them and continue to read.

I think I am done describing the details... the rest is trivial. But conclusion is as follows. She can no way, forgive me. I am not in her foreseeable future. She has mild interest in another man, one whom I can imagine to be quiet intelligent, good looking, and probably has the same interest in her. Stirring in the back of my head, I wonder if I am just over analyzing. How can she still love me. I don't understand. Why do you still love someone, if you don't plan on being with them... nor can forgive? How can you love someone under those terms... I don't understand.

Breaking down, I text her again. I confess. I tell her how much I know, and that I again, am sorry. I officially give up. I give up hope. I surrender.

We have a conversation on the phone. By conversation, I mean.. me talking and crying, explaining everything I'm feeling, and that I just cannot sit here with hopes anymore. She listens, and tells me she loves me... but she cannot forgive me for how I've hurt her and that she is sorry. She is sorry, but does she have to be? No.. she doesn't. She cares, I know. She loves me, I know that too... but in the end, none of that matters. It wasn't enough.

Tomorrow will be the first day that I will have truly realized that its over and there's nothing I can do about it. She will be back, in a few days to pick up the last remaining things I still have here, while I am gone. Its better that way. I don't think I can see her without crumbling.. I'm having a hard enough time keeping it together as it is while I am writing this out.

I wish that my heart wasn't broken to begin with. I think maybe then, I might have realized just what I had, while I had it.. not after I lost it.

Leila - I love you always and forever. At least I got to tell you one last time, that I love you. Goodbye... and farewell, my darling...

It's dark in here. I am alone.

Lost.

Decompression Sickness

Today I woke up like any other. Alarm went off, 10 minutes early again. Each morning I ask myself the same question, "Why is the alarm set 10 minutes early?" Even though I know the answer, I still ask myself the same question. Obviously my alert self is more aware of my habits of sleeping in. I remember this as I stumble out of bed with my feet on the cold floor. Don't trip over the cat, again.

Skipping ahead, we arrive at work. Routine day. Clock in, fire up the computer. What kind of news is out today. I still have 25 minutes before we officially open, thats 25 minutes of spare time to waste and be paid to do so. Myspace, glad I don't have one anymore. Social networking, whatever. Should be renamed to whorespace, or surveyspace, or perhaps something like.. glitterandgraphicandannoyingplaybackmusicspace. I don't have an account, but I borrow one so I can read the current "moods" of some people I don't get to see too often.

A survey, I read it. Typical myspace survey. Favorite food, what were you doing last night, same boring things. I read this why? Insight. If you are completely closed out of someones life, but desperately want to be apart of it again. Your options are limited. I settle for brief glimpses into the life of my other, well not my ex-other. This "break" is killing me. I need something, anything. Something to convince myself that this break is good for me, for us. I read on.

This one hurt. The answer to "Was the last person you made out with someone you dated?" was No. "Do you regret anything in the last week?" -- I hope not :) Chest clenching tight, a familiar feeling. I look up, I try not to let my eyes yell out to the rest of my coworkers that my chest is imploding in on itself. I don't want to keep reading, but I'm not done yet. I continue. She plans on moving to the coast, or at least is entertaining the idea. She had just been there for a week, with family, visiting friends. Guy friends. Many nice guy friends, who are probably better than me in the eyes of God, or whatever greater power there may be. My chest tightens more.

Its just shy of 3 months now, this break. This time apart. When she left, she said to me "pretend I am just going on a long vacation." Days later, she said she missed me. She wanted to go on a date, to start over later. But those initial seperation feelings faded. Soon it was "I need some time," and "its too soon." Previous experience has taught me rushing this kind of phase to be bad. I put on my best positive face, I refrain myself from screwing myself by acting like I am in 10th grade. I give her space, only texting her very seldom, mostly only at night before bed to wish her goodnight and to tell her that I love her. She replies the same. Each "I love you" from her is like a brick that I stack, one at a time, building back a foundation for our relationship to stand on once again. My stack of bricks still isn't very big... but its getting there, or at least I still hope.

This morning I break down. Seeing a combination of vague points, letting my mind wander. What's this decision she's talked about having made, is she or has she replaced me? I feel like I am under water. Unable to breath, unable to move. Pressure all around me crushing my chest, my heart, my bones. My hand is trembling. I look up around me, no one is watching me. At least that's good, I don't want to explain the deathly look on my face and my why my eyes are welling up.

I calm down, I am swimming to the surface. But still, I feel like I am aching inside, I still have the shakes. Decompression sickness. I make a mistake. I pick up my phone, I send some texts and ask her how she feels about being with me. I get the answer I already expected.... "still not sure" and "there are many things I still can't get over." and "I don't know." 3 months patiently waiting, it will continue.

She doesn't hate me, she says she doesn't have the heart to hate anyone. But someone should hate me, it would only be fair. I take up the responsiblity of hating myself. Punishing yourself for mistakes is not healthy, I know this. But there's no way I could go each day guilt free of my past. Stupid, juvenille things.

I wish I could grow up.