It is scary being so sure about this. The path before us lays on dangerous ground. Consequences dire if hearts are not true. I feel it is right. I know it is right. But fate, it seems, is not without its penalties, its trials and tribulations.
Hand in hand I walk with you. I won't leave your side. I love you too much.
We will walk together.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Some People Are Twats
What a bitch. Also, what is the "kinda" last book? Probably just a wikipedia of spoilers. So not only did you ruin something I've enjoyed the last 10 years, you insult both the movie goers and book readers alike with the "cliff notes" version of the series.
There is a special kind of hell for people like you.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Back to the Future 3 Sucks
So okay this entry is just something I was thinking about randomly this morning after talking about Deloreans with my friend Chelle. Don't ask how me how the hell that even comes up in random conversation, it just did.
I started to think about all the Back to the Future movies and it occurred to me after much thought that Back to the Future 3 is just a piece of shit. Why you ask? Let me explain.
Before I can really delve into specifics on why part 3 sucks Einstein's dick (the dog or the actual man, you decide), let's review the plot, shall we?
At the end of part 2, Marty incinerates the sports almanac that caused Biff to get rich and put fake tits on his mom in the alternate timeline they created (so this restores the normal timeline as he knows it.) Moments later, a lightning bolt strikes the Delorean in flight, which activates the time circuits and sends Doc Brown disappearing into thin air. Marty is like "Oh snap!" and starts to cry like a baby. Moments later, some asshole in a raincoat and hat comes up and delivers a Western Union telegram to Marty. Turns out to be a letter from Doc Brown, from 1885, and he explains to Marty what had JUST happened. So basically Doc is stuck in the past with a broken time machine and so this sets up the premise for "Marty Fucks Up Time Again, part 3".
So in part 3, Marty goes and finds 1955 Doc and explains to him the shit that went down. So they follow 1885 Doc's letter to find the Delorean stashed away in some cave. 1955 Doc cleans it up and puts some sick rims on it. Marty then dresses up like a member of the village people and goes back in time to rescue Doc.
So anyways, before Marty came back in time he uncovered just how 1885 Doc dies: He is shot by "Mad Dog" Tannen over a dispute of 80 dollars. This puts extreme urgency on the situation. Okay, I can roll with that. So Marty gets back to the past, finds Doc but before he found him, he managed to fuck up the Delorean and let all the gas leak out of the tank. Like a typical dipshit high school kid that he plays, it doesn't even occur to him that modern gasoline is not going to be invented for like 20 more years. When he tells Doc about the gas, Doc freaks out and beats him with a flux capacitor.
Okay plot explained. This is where the fun part starts, get ready.
The two main opposing forces in this movie are Doc Brown being shot dead by Mad Dog Tannen, and getting the Delorean somehow up to 88 mph so they can activate the time circuits and return home.
1. The 88 mph Fuck Up
Doc decides that the best course of action to fix the time machine is to hijack a steam train, put in some sweet ass presto logs that burn as hot as the sun, and push the time machine back up to 88 mph right before the train goes off a cliff. Sounds reasonable, right? Fuck no its not. Why you ask? Let me explain.
The time circuits activate once the speedometer and/or the wheel travel exceeds the rotation rate of 88 mph. The fact that this was achieved by the car traveling at this speeds on land is irrelevant. The mechanism itself does not depend on the car traveling at that speed, just that the wheels and/or speedometer readout reaches those points to activate the circuits.
In 1880, Thomas Edison patented a system for electricity distribution of DC power, or also known as direct current. And actually, in 1885 is when Nikolai Tesla came up with AC current, or alternating current. So either way you look at it, electricity was now something man could harness for various reasons. Doc Brown, being the educated man that he was, should have thought of this instantly.
Doc Brown should have invented the electric motor. It is very simple in design. Basically, a spool of wire wrapped around a magnet when subjected to an energy field (electricity) will cause the magnets to spin, thus creating an electricity driven motor. Doc could have invented a motor very easily using these base concepts, and then engineering a drive belt or chain system of some kind connected to the rear drive axel of the Delorean. This could easily be achieved in a relatively short amount of time, and could easily propel the wheels to the required 88 mph. What is a bonus is that the time machine wouldn't be traveling at a forward rate of 88 mph upon arrival at the new time destination. In the past this has caused the passenger in the vehicle to crash into a barn, a movie theater, and a pack of pissed off Indians. The time machine would simply activate and arrive at its destination safely.
But, Doc Brown was to die in 3 days, remember?! There is no way Doc could have made a motor in 3 days! I'm glad you pointed that out.
2. Pay Your Fucking Bills
It said in a newspaper article, in black and white, that Doc Brown was shot dead by Mad Dog Tannen over a matter of 80 dollars. So both Doc and Marty know HOW Doc is killed, WHY he is killed, and WHEN he is killed. This is some serious fucking information and yet they waste it. Doc and Marty only focus on the HOW, and WHEN. But I say fuck that... let's look at the WHY.
Q: Why Was Doc Brown killed by Mad Dog Tannen?
A: Doc owed him 80 dollars (5 for a bottle of Tennesee whiskey, 75 dollars for a dead horse)
Solution: Pay Mad Dog Tannen his 80 dollars.
That is seriously all Doc had to do to save his life. He needed to open up his wallet, pull out 80 dollars, and hand it over to him. Sure, he would lose his sense of pride, but he'd have his fucking life. Instead of doing that, he decides to hijack a train, drive it off a cliff, and accidentally saving a life of some stupid bitch he had no business saving.
I love the Back to the Future series, I really do. But part 3 just pisses me off. Basically, the first 2 movies had dire situations that justified all the crazy shit that happens. In part 1, Marty goes back in time and has no more plutonium to activate the time circuits to get home. He also fucks up his parents hooking up. So he has to 1. Work with 1955 Doc Brown to precisely time a fucking LIGHTNING BOLT to shoot into the flux capacitor, and 2. Get his mom to stop wanting his dick long enough to fuck George McFly, his dad. If he doesn't get his parents to hook up, he will never be born. If he misses the lightning, he will be stuck in the past for the rest of his life.
In part 2, they go to the future and bring back that almanac that lets Biff make billions on gambling and causing him to be able to change the timeline, which includes killing Marty's dad and marrying his mom, and getting her a boob job. So he has to return to the past and undo all the events that lead to this alternate timeline. The fact that they brought in alternate timelines, or alternate realities, was just badass.
In part 3, well.... if he had just paid 80 dollars, everything would eventually turn out fine. Way to think it out, Doc.
Make like a tree, and get outta here.
**EDIT**
I just realized that the Delorean in part 2 did fly, and could activate the time circuits after 88 mph in flight mode. This concludes that the mechanism involved to activate the time circuits is somehow tied into the vehicle's speed readout instruments. I imagine flight mode to be tied into the speedometer in some fashion to track speed in flight as well as on the ground (the wheels are not used in flight mode, but are turned with wheel hubs facing downward to direct thrusters to keep it aloft.) But either way you look at it, it was a speedometer mechanism of some kind that was used as a "safety" for activating the time circuits, and this should have been able to be easily mended or at least worked around without causing harm to anyone or any property.
I started to think about all the Back to the Future movies and it occurred to me after much thought that Back to the Future 3 is just a piece of shit. Why you ask? Let me explain.
Before I can really delve into specifics on why part 3 sucks Einstein's dick (the dog or the actual man, you decide), let's review the plot, shall we?
At the end of part 2, Marty incinerates the sports almanac that caused Biff to get rich and put fake tits on his mom in the alternate timeline they created (so this restores the normal timeline as he knows it.) Moments later, a lightning bolt strikes the Delorean in flight, which activates the time circuits and sends Doc Brown disappearing into thin air. Marty is like "Oh snap!" and starts to cry like a baby. Moments later, some asshole in a raincoat and hat comes up and delivers a Western Union telegram to Marty. Turns out to be a letter from Doc Brown, from 1885, and he explains to Marty what had JUST happened. So basically Doc is stuck in the past with a broken time machine and so this sets up the premise for "Marty Fucks Up Time Again, part 3".
So in part 3, Marty goes and finds 1955 Doc and explains to him the shit that went down. So they follow 1885 Doc's letter to find the Delorean stashed away in some cave. 1955 Doc cleans it up and puts some sick rims on it. Marty then dresses up like a member of the village people and goes back in time to rescue Doc.
So anyways, before Marty came back in time he uncovered just how 1885 Doc dies: He is shot by "Mad Dog" Tannen over a dispute of 80 dollars. This puts extreme urgency on the situation. Okay, I can roll with that. So Marty gets back to the past, finds Doc but before he found him, he managed to fuck up the Delorean and let all the gas leak out of the tank. Like a typical dipshit high school kid that he plays, it doesn't even occur to him that modern gasoline is not going to be invented for like 20 more years. When he tells Doc about the gas, Doc freaks out and beats him with a flux capacitor.
Okay plot explained. This is where the fun part starts, get ready.
The two main opposing forces in this movie are Doc Brown being shot dead by Mad Dog Tannen, and getting the Delorean somehow up to 88 mph so they can activate the time circuits and return home.
1. The 88 mph Fuck Up
Doc decides that the best course of action to fix the time machine is to hijack a steam train, put in some sweet ass presto logs that burn as hot as the sun, and push the time machine back up to 88 mph right before the train goes off a cliff. Sounds reasonable, right? Fuck no its not. Why you ask? Let me explain.
The time circuits activate once the speedometer and/or the wheel travel exceeds the rotation rate of 88 mph. The fact that this was achieved by the car traveling at this speeds on land is irrelevant. The mechanism itself does not depend on the car traveling at that speed, just that the wheels and/or speedometer readout reaches those points to activate the circuits.
In 1880, Thomas Edison patented a system for electricity distribution of DC power, or also known as direct current. And actually, in 1885 is when Nikolai Tesla came up with AC current, or alternating current. So either way you look at it, electricity was now something man could harness for various reasons. Doc Brown, being the educated man that he was, should have thought of this instantly.
Doc Brown should have invented the electric motor. It is very simple in design. Basically, a spool of wire wrapped around a magnet when subjected to an energy field (electricity) will cause the magnets to spin, thus creating an electricity driven motor. Doc could have invented a motor very easily using these base concepts, and then engineering a drive belt or chain system of some kind connected to the rear drive axel of the Delorean. This could easily be achieved in a relatively short amount of time, and could easily propel the wheels to the required 88 mph. What is a bonus is that the time machine wouldn't be traveling at a forward rate of 88 mph upon arrival at the new time destination. In the past this has caused the passenger in the vehicle to crash into a barn, a movie theater, and a pack of pissed off Indians. The time machine would simply activate and arrive at its destination safely.
But, Doc Brown was to die in 3 days, remember?! There is no way Doc could have made a motor in 3 days! I'm glad you pointed that out.
2. Pay Your Fucking Bills
It said in a newspaper article, in black and white, that Doc Brown was shot dead by Mad Dog Tannen over a matter of 80 dollars. So both Doc and Marty know HOW Doc is killed, WHY he is killed, and WHEN he is killed. This is some serious fucking information and yet they waste it. Doc and Marty only focus on the HOW, and WHEN. But I say fuck that... let's look at the WHY.
Q: Why Was Doc Brown killed by Mad Dog Tannen?
A: Doc owed him 80 dollars (5 for a bottle of Tennesee whiskey, 75 dollars for a dead horse)
Solution: Pay Mad Dog Tannen his 80 dollars.
That is seriously all Doc had to do to save his life. He needed to open up his wallet, pull out 80 dollars, and hand it over to him. Sure, he would lose his sense of pride, but he'd have his fucking life. Instead of doing that, he decides to hijack a train, drive it off a cliff, and accidentally saving a life of some stupid bitch he had no business saving.
I love the Back to the Future series, I really do. But part 3 just pisses me off. Basically, the first 2 movies had dire situations that justified all the crazy shit that happens. In part 1, Marty goes back in time and has no more plutonium to activate the time circuits to get home. He also fucks up his parents hooking up. So he has to 1. Work with 1955 Doc Brown to precisely time a fucking LIGHTNING BOLT to shoot into the flux capacitor, and 2. Get his mom to stop wanting his dick long enough to fuck George McFly, his dad. If he doesn't get his parents to hook up, he will never be born. If he misses the lightning, he will be stuck in the past for the rest of his life.
In part 2, they go to the future and bring back that almanac that lets Biff make billions on gambling and causing him to be able to change the timeline, which includes killing Marty's dad and marrying his mom, and getting her a boob job. So he has to return to the past and undo all the events that lead to this alternate timeline. The fact that they brought in alternate timelines, or alternate realities, was just badass.
In part 3, well.... if he had just paid 80 dollars, everything would eventually turn out fine. Way to think it out, Doc.
Make like a tree, and get outta here.
**EDIT**
I just realized that the Delorean in part 2 did fly, and could activate the time circuits after 88 mph in flight mode. This concludes that the mechanism involved to activate the time circuits is somehow tied into the vehicle's speed readout instruments. I imagine flight mode to be tied into the speedometer in some fashion to track speed in flight as well as on the ground (the wheels are not used in flight mode, but are turned with wheel hubs facing downward to direct thrusters to keep it aloft.) But either way you look at it, it was a speedometer mechanism of some kind that was used as a "safety" for activating the time circuits, and this should have been able to be easily mended or at least worked around without causing harm to anyone or any property.
Friday, March 18, 2011
I Aint Afraid of No Ghosts
Last weekend I attended a 3 day seminar in Tacoma. By the end of everything, I realized many things about myself that I thought weren't even there, or some of them I thought I had already moved past. This time I was able to see them in a 3rd person perspective, rather than just reacting in an emo sense as I tend to. This is what I discovered.
I have a track history of using trust and abusing it, breaking it, and twisting it to my own advantage and gain. I've lost many bonds due to this, and I always thought I've addressed them with certain individuals. I realize that being sorry for the act of betrayal and wrong doing is different from acknowledging WHY I would do it in the first place. Breaking trust is a result. A symptom. I have always treated the symptoms, but I never treated the disease.
I used to blame everything but myself for things that brought me down. I was overweight most of my young life, so I used that as the reason to why I was lonely and never had girlfriends or whatnot until I was in my 20s (where I had lost over 100 lbs in a year). Then I was thrust into all these complicated relationships and emotions and I didn't know how to handle them. I chose to be a victim in certain bad relationships where I let myself be abused for my kindness. I then chose to stop being a victim, but I over compensated -- I chose to victimize others and there starts my downward spiral. I chose all of it. All the unhappiness, all the sadness, all the excuses were all my choice.
Last thing I realized is that when I hurt others, I like it. I did this without realizing it. My mentality was "If I can't be happy, you won't be happy." or "If I can't win, you can't win." I would sabotage relationships and friendships to make others hurt worse than they hurt me. I chose to indulge revenge and resentment to take advantage, or get back at others.
All these deep seeded roots I thought I had pulled out a long time ago, but in fact are still there. Just dormant. Now that I know the source of the problem, I am happy to say I can now choose to change. I feel like a black cloud over me has been lifted. For the first time, I actually feel... hopeful.
Everyone has ghosts, and I been hiding from mine. Well I am not afraid of them any more. I've made a promise. A promise to myself. I choose to be a good person. I choose to be happy. I choose to love myself and to love others. I choose life.
Time to open the curtains and let the sun in.
I have a track history of using trust and abusing it, breaking it, and twisting it to my own advantage and gain. I've lost many bonds due to this, and I always thought I've addressed them with certain individuals. I realize that being sorry for the act of betrayal and wrong doing is different from acknowledging WHY I would do it in the first place. Breaking trust is a result. A symptom. I have always treated the symptoms, but I never treated the disease.
I used to blame everything but myself for things that brought me down. I was overweight most of my young life, so I used that as the reason to why I was lonely and never had girlfriends or whatnot until I was in my 20s (where I had lost over 100 lbs in a year). Then I was thrust into all these complicated relationships and emotions and I didn't know how to handle them. I chose to be a victim in certain bad relationships where I let myself be abused for my kindness. I then chose to stop being a victim, but I over compensated -- I chose to victimize others and there starts my downward spiral. I chose all of it. All the unhappiness, all the sadness, all the excuses were all my choice.
Last thing I realized is that when I hurt others, I like it. I did this without realizing it. My mentality was "If I can't be happy, you won't be happy." or "If I can't win, you can't win." I would sabotage relationships and friendships to make others hurt worse than they hurt me. I chose to indulge revenge and resentment to take advantage, or get back at others.
All these deep seeded roots I thought I had pulled out a long time ago, but in fact are still there. Just dormant. Now that I know the source of the problem, I am happy to say I can now choose to change. I feel like a black cloud over me has been lifted. For the first time, I actually feel... hopeful.
Everyone has ghosts, and I been hiding from mine. Well I am not afraid of them any more. I've made a promise. A promise to myself. I choose to be a good person. I choose to be happy. I choose to love myself and to love others. I choose life.
Time to open the curtains and let the sun in.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Free Refill
Redesigned the blog, complete with new URL, title, and color scheme. Time to change my perspective on things.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Panda-monium
Instead of crying into the pillow that is this blog, I decided to try to be somewhat creative. I try to surround myself with creative, like minded individuals who can express themselves in other ways than their complicated Starbucks latte. Here is my attempt at a short story scene dialogue... thing.
Panda-monium
written by Endless Mike (Michael White)
written by Endless Mike (Michael White)
(Poorly lit room, dirty laundry, old disheveled couch. Two guys, mid-twenties, sit watching TV surrounded by Chinese take-out boxes. A white shimmer of light from the TV hits their faces. A bong sits amongst the boxes and trash.)
Dave
Do you think like... real Chineses order Chinese food like we do here?
Mark
Wait, what?
Dave
Do you think --
Mark
No... I mean, Chineses? What?
Dave
Chineses.
Mark
Yeah, I know.
Dave
Huh?
Mark
Chineses is not a word.
Dave
Dude, Chineses are people from China. Their food is CHINESE.
Mark
Is it a talent of yours to be this retarded, or were you always like this?
Dave
Dude what the fuck?
Mark
It's C-h-i-n-e-s-e. Chinese. Just Chinese.
Dave
Yeah, the food. Chinese food.
Mark
You are a moron.
Dave
So anyways, do you think PEOPLE FROM CHINA order Chinese food like we do here?
Mark
I'm going to assume you mean that here as in America in general, and not just the two of us in this specific apartment.
Dave
Of course.
Mark
I don't know, probably not.
Dave
Why not you think?
Mark
Because they are Chi--... from China. I imagine they eat Chinese food all the time, hence they probably don't order it to take it home... since they already have it.
Dave
You do have a good point.
Mark
That's what they pay me for.
Dave
I see sarcasm was on sale.
Mark
Wal-mart special.
Dave
Right.
(Dave reaches for the bong and takes another hit, he motions to Mark who gestures his decline and continues to shovel rice into his mouth with chopsticks.)
Dave
Dude, I don't know how you use those things.
Mark
What? Chopsticks? It isn't hard.
Dave
But that's rice.
Mark
Master of the obvious, grats.
Dave
Shut up. I mean, it's rice. How the hell do you eat rice with two little sticks?
Mark
Well you don't stab them or anything. You just shovel it in like this.
(Mark demonstrates his expert use of chopsticks for Dave.)
Dave
Yeah that's great and everything, but I still don't see how it is efficient.
Mark
What the hell are you talking about?
Dave
Why don't you just use a spoon? Its rounded, it fits perfectly between your lips and into your mouth. It's a mouth shovel, and rice is like... shovel-ish.
Mark
Because I can eat it like this just as easily. Plus, it is more efficient. All Chinese food is eaten with chopsticks. Whereas, you need a spoon for some things, and a fork for others. Well, they do make a spork but you can't find those anywhere that aren't plastic. I've never seen metal sporks before. So yeah, in all ways possible... I see this as being more efficient.
Dave
Whatever. Chopsticks are retarded.
Mark
You're retarded. Millions of Chinese people do it this way without any complaints.
Dave
Chineses.
Mark
I am going to fucking kill you.
Dave
Dude seriously, if chopsticks were ideal, everyone would use them for everything... not just Chinese food.
Mark
Wow... that actually makes fucking sense.
Dave
Dude, I know these things. Do not doubt my power again.
(Mark reaches across the coffee table and grabs another box of take-out. The label on the box is clearly seen by Dave.)
Dave
You know what's weird?
Mark
I can only imagine.
Dave
The panda on these boxes.
Mark
How the hell is that weird?
Dave
Well, I mean... Panda Express makes it seem like you're eating fucking pandas.
Mark
It's just a logo, dude.
Dave
I know, but like... why would you use the logo of something that you aren't actually eating on a box of food. It's false advertising.
Mark
Pandas are a symbol of China and recognized by just about everyone as being Chinese. It's like America and the fucking bald eagle and shit.
Dave
We don't put the bald eagle on boxes of food. There is a difference.
Mark
I hate how stupid you are and yet I can't find ways to argue with your logic.
Dave
Because my logic is sound and you know it.
Mark
Whatever. Give me the bong. I an obviously not high enough for this conversation.
(Dave hands Mark the bong and lights the bowl for him, courteously. Mark exhales and sinks back into his old position on the couch and continues eating his General Tso's)
Dave
I don't think I could eat a panda.
Mark
Me neither. Not a whole panda, anyways.
Dave
I mean it dude. I couldn't eat a panda.
Mark
Why not? It's just an animal like anything else.
Dave
Aren't they like.... almost extinct or whatever?
Mark
Yeah, NOW. But before I bet there were like.. herds of them or something. They are probably almost gone because they taste so fucking delicious and everyone ate them all the time.
Dave
Things change when you eat the last of something.
Mark
It's just as delicious when it's the last of something.
Dave
It's like the guy who eats the last slice of pizza. Everyone sees you eat it and nobody probably says anything about it. But you know at least half those people there think that guy is a fucking asshole because he had the last piece.
Mark
Give me that fucking bong, still not high enough.
Dave
You would seriously eat a panda?
Mark
Well, if it were given to me to eat... sure, why not?
Dave
Seriously? They are cute and shit, doesn't that bother you?
Mark
Not really, it's made of meat. I like meat.
Dave
You wouldn't eat dog would you?
Mark
Fuck, hell no.
Dave
But it's made of meat.
Mark
I don't eat anything that is considered a pet. A panda is not a pet. A cow is not a pet. A pig is not a pet. You don't take any of those things to your bed and cuddle it at night. I also don't eat shrimp, lobsters, or crab because they remind me of giant insects.
Dave
Lobster is good dude.
Mark
I will never know the joy of eating lobster, I'm sorry.
Dave
Pandas are in zoos, that kinda makes them pets.
Mark
Nope. A zoo is like giant supermarket for exotic meats. The animals are just on display. They are not pets, they are exhibits... of meat and stuff.
Dave
Just promise me you will never eat a panda.
Mark
Only if you shut up.
Dave
.... Would you eat a giraffe?
Mark
Bong. Now.
(end scene)
Do you think like... real Chineses order Chinese food like we do here?
Mark
Wait, what?
Dave
Do you think --
Mark
No... I mean, Chineses? What?
Dave
Chineses.
Mark
Yeah, I know.
Dave
Huh?
Mark
Chineses is not a word.
Dave
Dude, Chineses are people from China. Their food is CHINESE.
Mark
Is it a talent of yours to be this retarded, or were you always like this?
Dave
Dude what the fuck?
Mark
It's C-h-i-n-e-s-e. Chinese. Just Chinese.
Dave
Yeah, the food. Chinese food.
Mark
You are a moron.
Dave
So anyways, do you think PEOPLE FROM CHINA order Chinese food like we do here?
Mark
I'm going to assume you mean that here as in America in general, and not just the two of us in this specific apartment.
Dave
Of course.
Mark
I don't know, probably not.
Dave
Why not you think?
Mark
Because they are Chi--... from China. I imagine they eat Chinese food all the time, hence they probably don't order it to take it home... since they already have it.
Dave
You do have a good point.
Mark
That's what they pay me for.
Dave
I see sarcasm was on sale.
Mark
Wal-mart special.
Dave
Right.
(Dave reaches for the bong and takes another hit, he motions to Mark who gestures his decline and continues to shovel rice into his mouth with chopsticks.)
Dave
Dude, I don't know how you use those things.
Mark
What? Chopsticks? It isn't hard.
Dave
But that's rice.
Mark
Master of the obvious, grats.
Dave
Shut up. I mean, it's rice. How the hell do you eat rice with two little sticks?
Mark
Well you don't stab them or anything. You just shovel it in like this.
(Mark demonstrates his expert use of chopsticks for Dave.)
Dave
Yeah that's great and everything, but I still don't see how it is efficient.
Mark
What the hell are you talking about?
Dave
Why don't you just use a spoon? Its rounded, it fits perfectly between your lips and into your mouth. It's a mouth shovel, and rice is like... shovel-ish.
Mark
Because I can eat it like this just as easily. Plus, it is more efficient. All Chinese food is eaten with chopsticks. Whereas, you need a spoon for some things, and a fork for others. Well, they do make a spork but you can't find those anywhere that aren't plastic. I've never seen metal sporks before. So yeah, in all ways possible... I see this as being more efficient.
Dave
Whatever. Chopsticks are retarded.
Mark
You're retarded. Millions of Chinese people do it this way without any complaints.
Dave
Chineses.
Mark
I am going to fucking kill you.
Dave
Dude seriously, if chopsticks were ideal, everyone would use them for everything... not just Chinese food.
Mark
Wow... that actually makes fucking sense.
Dave
Dude, I know these things. Do not doubt my power again.
(Mark reaches across the coffee table and grabs another box of take-out. The label on the box is clearly seen by Dave.)
Dave
You know what's weird?
Mark
I can only imagine.
Dave
The panda on these boxes.
Mark
How the hell is that weird?
Dave
Well, I mean... Panda Express makes it seem like you're eating fucking pandas.
Mark
It's just a logo, dude.
Dave
I know, but like... why would you use the logo of something that you aren't actually eating on a box of food. It's false advertising.
Mark
Pandas are a symbol of China and recognized by just about everyone as being Chinese. It's like America and the fucking bald eagle and shit.
Dave
We don't put the bald eagle on boxes of food. There is a difference.
Mark
I hate how stupid you are and yet I can't find ways to argue with your logic.
Dave
Because my logic is sound and you know it.
Mark
Whatever. Give me the bong. I an obviously not high enough for this conversation.
(Dave hands Mark the bong and lights the bowl for him, courteously. Mark exhales and sinks back into his old position on the couch and continues eating his General Tso's)
Dave
I don't think I could eat a panda.
Mark
Me neither. Not a whole panda, anyways.
Dave
I mean it dude. I couldn't eat a panda.
Mark
Why not? It's just an animal like anything else.
Dave
Aren't they like.... almost extinct or whatever?
Mark
Yeah, NOW. But before I bet there were like.. herds of them or something. They are probably almost gone because they taste so fucking delicious and everyone ate them all the time.
Dave
Things change when you eat the last of something.
Mark
It's just as delicious when it's the last of something.
Dave
It's like the guy who eats the last slice of pizza. Everyone sees you eat it and nobody probably says anything about it. But you know at least half those people there think that guy is a fucking asshole because he had the last piece.
Mark
Give me that fucking bong, still not high enough.
Dave
You would seriously eat a panda?
Mark
Well, if it were given to me to eat... sure, why not?
Dave
Seriously? They are cute and shit, doesn't that bother you?
Mark
Not really, it's made of meat. I like meat.
Dave
You wouldn't eat dog would you?
Mark
Fuck, hell no.
Dave
But it's made of meat.
Mark
I don't eat anything that is considered a pet. A panda is not a pet. A cow is not a pet. A pig is not a pet. You don't take any of those things to your bed and cuddle it at night. I also don't eat shrimp, lobsters, or crab because they remind me of giant insects.
Dave
Lobster is good dude.
Mark
I will never know the joy of eating lobster, I'm sorry.
Dave
Pandas are in zoos, that kinda makes them pets.
Mark
Nope. A zoo is like giant supermarket for exotic meats. The animals are just on display. They are not pets, they are exhibits... of meat and stuff.
Dave
Just promise me you will never eat a panda.
Mark
Only if you shut up.
Dave
.... Would you eat a giraffe?
Mark
Bong. Now.
(end scene)
Monday, February 21, 2011
Nevermind
I seem to have forgotten how to speak. I feel so much lately. Sometimes I want to smile. Sometimes I want to cry. Sometimes, I think so much that I don't know where I begin anymore. All this goes on inside of me and nobody knows it. I'm a foreigner, and I don't speak your language.
I'm sure everyone feels this way normally. Well, I used to not be like everyone. I used to be able to sort myself out, on my own and on the rare times I couldn't, I was never afraid to find a shoulder. Now I can't even look a girl in the eyes for more than a moment without quickly turning away to hide the look on my face and the words written all over it.
When I was little, my dad said that unless I was bleeding, I shouldn't be cry. This one lesson, out of the thousands of other lessons he ever taught me stands out after all these years. It's kinda funny how one sentence results in being closed on just about every emotional stressing level.
I really just want to tell you. I wanted to tell you that.........ahh... nevermind.
I'm sure everyone feels this way normally. Well, I used to not be like everyone. I used to be able to sort myself out, on my own and on the rare times I couldn't, I was never afraid to find a shoulder. Now I can't even look a girl in the eyes for more than a moment without quickly turning away to hide the look on my face and the words written all over it.
When I was little, my dad said that unless I was bleeding, I shouldn't be cry. This one lesson, out of the thousands of other lessons he ever taught me stands out after all these years. It's kinda funny how one sentence results in being closed on just about every emotional stressing level.
I really just want to tell you. I wanted to tell you that.........ahh... nevermind.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Filler
Where to start... I don't even know. I usually end up here out of some kind of necessity, to speak my mind and use this as a bookmark to remember where I last left off. Today is not such an occasion, but it feels like I should start a new chapter anyways. We'll call this "filler."
Let's see... I'm still confused, on just about everything. Doors open for me, only to slam shut in my face. I try to see past the hurdles and yet I still fall. Basically nothing much has changed over all these years, except I managed to change tax brackets.
Since words escape me, here is an ordered list:
1. Trying to see/date a girl who isn't ready to see/date me. (see: hopeless)
2. Applied for my "ideal" career job and didn't get it. (see: defeated)
3. Still wishing for a life that I never had. (see: melancholy)
My life is summed up so well in such depressing words. Google knows me so well.
Let's see... I'm still confused, on just about everything. Doors open for me, only to slam shut in my face. I try to see past the hurdles and yet I still fall. Basically nothing much has changed over all these years, except I managed to change tax brackets.
Since words escape me, here is an ordered list:
1. Trying to see/date a girl who isn't ready to see/date me. (see: hopeless)
2. Applied for my "ideal" career job and didn't get it. (see: defeated)
3. Still wishing for a life that I never had. (see: melancholy)
My life is summed up so well in such depressing words. Google knows me so well.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
The Big Empty
It's days like today I really wonder where my heart and mind have gone, and if they have truly healed, or if they have been cast in stone this whole time. Am I deceiving myself, or have I honestly changed? I thought the path before me was clear, but now I am not so sure. I seem to be lost in fog once more.
I am surprisingly unaffected now that its all out there. I am more worried that I feel almost nothing than actually over the specifics of it all. Does the fact that I feel nothing mean I must be broken, still? I almost want to say that I felt like I did no wrong, but that is not the case. I have to realize that just because I think he deserved it, doesn't mean I shouldn't feel bad about the knife I put into his back. I could lie to myself saying I know what pain he must be going in, but I never was betrayed by a friend like I was to him. And he was right, this isn't my first time being on this side of the smoking gun. I have to admit that I may just be a shitty human being.
I stand here holding a candle in the dark.... without a match to light it.
I am surprisingly unaffected now that its all out there. I am more worried that I feel almost nothing than actually over the specifics of it all. Does the fact that I feel nothing mean I must be broken, still? I almost want to say that I felt like I did no wrong, but that is not the case. I have to realize that just because I think he deserved it, doesn't mean I shouldn't feel bad about the knife I put into his back. I could lie to myself saying I know what pain he must be going in, but I never was betrayed by a friend like I was to him. And he was right, this isn't my first time being on this side of the smoking gun. I have to admit that I may just be a shitty human being.
I stand here holding a candle in the dark.... without a match to light it.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Friday, May 7, 2010
Cocoon
Well, sure has been a long time since I last visited here. My lifes' shuffled around quite a bit over the years. As far as life standings go, I guess for the most part some would say I've been more successful. It all depends on the context. Sure, career and financially -- all for the better. But I still feel just as lonely as I did that day so many years ago.
I often wonder if where I am at now is better for what happened, or if it is worse. Sure, I realize my mistakes now. I vow to never make them again, never to hurt someone like that again. But yet, the result of all this clairvoyance is that I've become more withdrawn, hiding myself away in shadows, not getting close or getting close to anyone. I'm protecting myself, or am I protecting them? Which is it? I do not know.
I see her face sometimes in the world around me. The warm spring sun, freshly blooming lilacs, the smell of the air in the afternoon breeze. All of these things spelling her name out in front of my eyes, wherever I go. That was one of the best things about her. She made things come alive, things I never gave 2 seconds of thought about. She makes me appreciate those small things, because they meant so much to her and made her shine inside.
So where am I after all these years? Still in love with a life that never was. It might be time to move on... I'll get back to you on that.
I often wonder if where I am at now is better for what happened, or if it is worse. Sure, I realize my mistakes now. I vow to never make them again, never to hurt someone like that again. But yet, the result of all this clairvoyance is that I've become more withdrawn, hiding myself away in shadows, not getting close or getting close to anyone. I'm protecting myself, or am I protecting them? Which is it? I do not know.
I see her face sometimes in the world around me. The warm spring sun, freshly blooming lilacs, the smell of the air in the afternoon breeze. All of these things spelling her name out in front of my eyes, wherever I go. That was one of the best things about her. She made things come alive, things I never gave 2 seconds of thought about. She makes me appreciate those small things, because they meant so much to her and made her shine inside.
So where am I after all these years? Still in love with a life that never was. It might be time to move on... I'll get back to you on that.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Jigsaw Puzzle
Once you realize that what you hoped would happen won't happen, the mind and heart makes the decision for you that it is now time to get past things and move on. I think that is what happened when I finally met Leila and her new boyfriend at PAX.
It took a couple weeks, but my mind has settled down and I think I am finally accepting what had finally come to a close over 8 months ago. Time to put the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle back together -- reveal the life that is to come ahead of me, one piece at a time.
In celebration of my resurrection, I decided to seek out those who I had lost touch with due to various reasons in the past years. I wanted to rectify, rekindle, and rebuild some of my past bonds that fell apart for dumb reasons. One of which I am particularly happy about is one with a girl named Heather. A sweet red head who had just met me at the wrong time in her life. I had to get mean in the past to finally separate myself from her because of the fucked up conditions that were building around our friendship. It has been over 2 years since that happened. But with the help of the god forsaken myspace (aka whorespace, surveyspace, etc) I was able to finally locate her, and send her some kind of message.
Once we talked for a couple days, it felt really good to have someone to talk to again. My list of friends outside of my workplace has dwindled quite a bit. I think the next couple months of my life are surely going to be different -- I want to build myself back to being a good person, a happy person. I think I've paid my dues for a lot of my wrongs, so I think I deserve a little good fortune.
The first pieces of the puzzle have come together.
It took a couple weeks, but my mind has settled down and I think I am finally accepting what had finally come to a close over 8 months ago. Time to put the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle back together -- reveal the life that is to come ahead of me, one piece at a time.
In celebration of my resurrection, I decided to seek out those who I had lost touch with due to various reasons in the past years. I wanted to rectify, rekindle, and rebuild some of my past bonds that fell apart for dumb reasons. One of which I am particularly happy about is one with a girl named Heather. A sweet red head who had just met me at the wrong time in her life. I had to get mean in the past to finally separate myself from her because of the fucked up conditions that were building around our friendship. It has been over 2 years since that happened. But with the help of the god forsaken myspace (aka whorespace, surveyspace, etc) I was able to finally locate her, and send her some kind of message.
Once we talked for a couple days, it felt really good to have someone to talk to again. My list of friends outside of my workplace has dwindled quite a bit. I think the next couple months of my life are surely going to be different -- I want to build myself back to being a good person, a happy person. I think I've paid my dues for a lot of my wrongs, so I think I deserve a little good fortune.
The first pieces of the puzzle have come together.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Erased
What is scary is letting go. Finally breaking the bonds I've kept so sacred, letting go of that piece of my heart and fortifying myself to endure once again. To stand on my own. That part of my heart is broken, now somewhat mended. Time now to erase some of that from myself and move forward. It scares the living hell out of me, but I've done it before.
I am so typical it would seem. Here I am, blogging, as though my feelings are somewhat insightful or somehow unique, when they aren't. I am just a overgrown boy, that's all. But oh well, everyone pretends to be something else all the time. Some are just better than others.
I'm not sure where to take myself in my coming future. I guess, I should try to find what makes me happy. I'm not sure how I figure that out anymore. I made my source of happiness to be her, but maybe that was a mistake. After all, there is more in life than just finding that someone you think represents your other half.
Erasing, bits at a time. Mending, healing. This is going to be enduring. I've already stopped speaking to her, as much. Once, in the past week. What is sad to me, is that she hasn't asked why I've not talked to her. Somewhat saddening, but I guess in the end it doesn't really matter.
Resurrection commencing...
I am so typical it would seem. Here I am, blogging, as though my feelings are somewhat insightful or somehow unique, when they aren't. I am just a overgrown boy, that's all. But oh well, everyone pretends to be something else all the time. Some are just better than others.
I'm not sure where to take myself in my coming future. I guess, I should try to find what makes me happy. I'm not sure how I figure that out anymore. I made my source of happiness to be her, but maybe that was a mistake. After all, there is more in life than just finding that someone you think represents your other half.
Erasing, bits at a time. Mending, healing. This is going to be enduring. I've already stopped speaking to her, as much. Once, in the past week. What is sad to me, is that she hasn't asked why I've not talked to her. Somewhat saddening, but I guess in the end it doesn't really matter.
Resurrection commencing...
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Time Lapsed
It has been a great many months since I posted anything new. I suppose, for a duration of time, I didn't have anything worth posting. No, wait. I lied. That is not true. Why am I here trying to lie about my own feelings.. to myself. That makes no sense. Why am I always trying to lie to myself, and hide..?
Truth is, many things have changed in the last few months. I am not sure where to exactly begin. She has moved, it finally happened. After months of anticipation, preparing myself for the eventual news that she was going to be leaving, it has finally happened. And truth is, I still was not ready to face it. When I heard the news, I pretended to be happy for her and I was supportive. But on the inside, my chest felt caved in and something broke inside.. again. My insides are getting used to be churned up and put back together. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing, yet.
I bring this post to you while sitting in a LAN party room at PAX. I am supposed to be having fun, but I find myself to be rather lonely sitting here amongst the hundreds of nerds and gamers walking all around me. I had all these ideas, plans that I was going to be enjoying myself. Those kind of left me approximately an hour ago.
I ran into her, she was coming here the whole time. I met her, and then I met him. Yes, there is a him now. At first I thought they were coworkers, but that became apparently not the case when I saw how he looked at her. He took her hand, brushed her cheek. The sudden rush of awkward rolled over me. I made some excuse (I don't even remember what I said) but I left before she could see the look on my face. She probably already saw it, but thats not really the point. I ran. I ran away.
Counting backwards I think that I should be somewhat over this by now. The fact that I am not remains onto me somewhat a mystery. Or is it? Maybe, just maybe it's because this time, it all meant something. That's gone, why the fuck am I still holding on to it? Why can't I throw it all behind me, like all the others before? Why does it still feel like a fresh wound, when it should be hardened and healed by now... why the FUCK does this still hurt? WHY?
I just want to get the farthest away from here as I can. Despite that I have only been here a few hours and have only seen very little. I just want to get away and go. Every fiber in my body is wanting to just run. But, I keep telling myself that if I stay I will find a way to make my time fun here. I don't know. I don't fucking know.
This place has a history of being painful to me. I think, this is my last year coming.
Truth is, many things have changed in the last few months. I am not sure where to exactly begin. She has moved, it finally happened. After months of anticipation, preparing myself for the eventual news that she was going to be leaving, it has finally happened. And truth is, I still was not ready to face it. When I heard the news, I pretended to be happy for her and I was supportive. But on the inside, my chest felt caved in and something broke inside.. again. My insides are getting used to be churned up and put back together. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing, yet.
I bring this post to you while sitting in a LAN party room at PAX. I am supposed to be having fun, but I find myself to be rather lonely sitting here amongst the hundreds of nerds and gamers walking all around me. I had all these ideas, plans that I was going to be enjoying myself. Those kind of left me approximately an hour ago.
I ran into her, she was coming here the whole time. I met her, and then I met him. Yes, there is a him now. At first I thought they were coworkers, but that became apparently not the case when I saw how he looked at her. He took her hand, brushed her cheek. The sudden rush of awkward rolled over me. I made some excuse (I don't even remember what I said) but I left before she could see the look on my face. She probably already saw it, but thats not really the point. I ran. I ran away.
Counting backwards I think that I should be somewhat over this by now. The fact that I am not remains onto me somewhat a mystery. Or is it? Maybe, just maybe it's because this time, it all meant something. That's gone, why the fuck am I still holding on to it? Why can't I throw it all behind me, like all the others before? Why does it still feel like a fresh wound, when it should be hardened and healed by now... why the FUCK does this still hurt? WHY?
I just want to get the farthest away from here as I can. Despite that I have only been here a few hours and have only seen very little. I just want to get away and go. Every fiber in my body is wanting to just run. But, I keep telling myself that if I stay I will find a way to make my time fun here. I don't know. I don't fucking know.
This place has a history of being painful to me. I think, this is my last year coming.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
A man chooses, a slave obeys.
It seems like it's been eons since I last posted some of my thoughts. Not sure why, maybe because when I am emotionally content, balanced.. I have less things on my mind that need to come out. However, let's face it. My balance is a farce at best.
Today I have lunch with her. First time meeting in a social setting outside of brief run ins at each others respective homes in 5 months. I am excited, but at the same time scared. There is always an awkwardness that I exude when I am around her. It's just funny to me, that after 5 months apart I still almost fall into old habit and almost kiss her each time I see her. I think my emotions just decided to take a vacation from reality and when she's around, they all come rushing back and don't realize just what has been happening for the last 5 months. I will continue to bend my mind around this reality, no matter how much I desire it not to be so. For both our sakes.
Next month is her birthday so I am taking her to see Nine Inch Nails in Seattle. The plan is to spend the day together, and either have a late night then drive home, or get a place to post up for the night. I am trying not to let my mind wander as to what that that may mean, together in a hotel for a night. 1 bed or 2? These kinds of things are best left until its actually time to deal with them, no point in getting worked up for something that's not even happened yet.
Other than that, my life has been pretty simple. I bury myself in my computer, in my games, and my work when I am working. Sleep escapes me most of the time, no change there. I have become accustomed to 5 hours of sleep a night. My diet plan failed, of course I knew it would. My habit of going to the gym to work out 3 nights a week has also failed. Why? I am a creature of habit, and I have many bad habits. Being unmotivated is one of them, unfortunately.
A man chooses, a slave obeys. It's time for me to start choosing.
Today I have lunch with her. First time meeting in a social setting outside of brief run ins at each others respective homes in 5 months. I am excited, but at the same time scared. There is always an awkwardness that I exude when I am around her. It's just funny to me, that after 5 months apart I still almost fall into old habit and almost kiss her each time I see her. I think my emotions just decided to take a vacation from reality and when she's around, they all come rushing back and don't realize just what has been happening for the last 5 months. I will continue to bend my mind around this reality, no matter how much I desire it not to be so. For both our sakes.
Next month is her birthday so I am taking her to see Nine Inch Nails in Seattle. The plan is to spend the day together, and either have a late night then drive home, or get a place to post up for the night. I am trying not to let my mind wander as to what that that may mean, together in a hotel for a night. 1 bed or 2? These kinds of things are best left until its actually time to deal with them, no point in getting worked up for something that's not even happened yet.
Other than that, my life has been pretty simple. I bury myself in my computer, in my games, and my work when I am working. Sleep escapes me most of the time, no change there. I have become accustomed to 5 hours of sleep a night. My diet plan failed, of course I knew it would. My habit of going to the gym to work out 3 nights a week has also failed. Why? I am a creature of habit, and I have many bad habits. Being unmotivated is one of them, unfortunately.
A man chooses, a slave obeys. It's time for me to start choosing.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Good morning?
Email received. Title: Good Morning. From: Leila. Date: 9/16/06 @ 8:48 am.
That is the email I received the next day rather. I did not check my email until the following Saturday. The contents, of which, were not very "good morning" inspiring. This was a reality check email, from her perspective. I don't have the email on this computer, so I will just basically recap some of the points made in the email.
Point 1 Summary - We are broke up, but that doesn't mean I'm telling you to get over or move on. Time *might* heal things.
She starts the email off stating that she understands I miss her and what we used to have. However, she is not wanting to see me on any regular basis. Also, she goes on to state that my sending her "cute" messages is not okay, because she broke up with me for a reason and that I need to stop talking to her as if we are still together. Sounds like a fair request, no? Well, that's one reason I hate women. If you don't want me to be cute around you, then why when I see you, you still kiss me? You still call me "honey" and tell me you love me when I say goodnight? If there were lines you had in mind, I would have thought they would have been crossed with the kissing me again part. Not the "cute" text message line. Telling me that time *might* mend things, and that I shouldn't "move" on.. what are you trying to say you want out of me? I feel like an overdue DVD, sure you know its time with you is over... but you want to hold onto it anyways, just in case you might want to watch it after all.
Point 2 Summary - While I don't take much stock in what other people say about you, I still believe them.
This part is where I am confused. She goes on to state that after we broke up, she heard a lot of rumors about me regarding stuff going on that I was doing behind her back... Something about a girl at Food Pavilion, communicating with my ex Amanda, as her cited examples. A.) Who the fuck do I know that works at Food Pavilion? B.) Amanda... lol!
The Food Pavilion person I have no idea what that is about. The only people I know there is Troy, who's a sleaze bag all on his own. And a girl named Melanie, who hasn't worked there for over a year. And Melanie doesn't even live in Wenatchee anymore, and is somewhere in Snoqualmie or some shit last I heard. Also, I barely knew her. I just only was friends with her BARELY through party/social run-ins. God knows where she is now. If that's who she thinks I was fooling around with, then someone please get her a calendar with some dates on it so she can see whoever has told her this stuff has no fucking idea what they are talking about.
Amanda... man that is super funny. We had something over 5 years ago. Yes, that's right. This is going back to 5 years ago. And that something ended after about 4 weeks ish. A really short story, summarized in even shorter terms. I will try to restate, without using adverbs. Amanda like Mike. Mike like Amanda. Dated 1 month. Amanda confesses love. Mike breaks up with Amanda. Point, set, match. Done. That's how simple it was. Yes, we dated for a time. Messed around a bit, that was it. I was no where near ready for a serious relationship. I made those abundantly clear before things even didn't get started. But, of course I failed to realize that women have a distorted view on things. The classic "give him what he wants til he changes to what I want" tactic. So after a month, she tells me she really loves me and all the alarms go off in my head. I later tell her again, how I feel... and that's when it ended. She got out of my car, crying in her driveway. I drove home. Did I feel bad? Not really, I was angry. I later had to fight a whole fiasco of bullshit on myspace from her little rant saying how I used her, blah blah blah and her friends bashing on me. She later apologized for that. But you know what, I still think back and I still get angry about it. Fucking women.
Amanda started dating Brad, a friend of mine and has also known Amanda himself longer than me since they were in high school together. Brad works in a gas station, has no ambition, and thinks the world owes him his dues. What dues? He lives his life like he's on some kind of social welfare.. like he is somehow some kind of victim of financial and life inhibiting circumstance that the world owes him a free ticket to success and happiness. This is her boyfriend, gas station man. She, is going to graduate school for a Master's in psychology. Gas station man + future psychology professional. You see what I'm getting at? You don't need a Master's degree to figure out that this isn't going to work out.
Well, that long story is as follows. They eventually broke up, and of course it was my doing. Well, it was and it wasn't. She was having problems with him, confessed she still had feelings for me. They write an email TOGETHER from her to me confronting me about wanting to break them up. I later learned that this was written with his supervision later on after they broke up anyways. They broke up because she didn't love him she said. She asked me if we still had some kind of chance, I told her no. She decided we couldn't be friends. Then, she wished me luck with Leila and told me that Brad was talking to her feeding her all his bullshit, just for my own awareness. Done, that was it.
I kind of went off on a tangent there, but here is the third point.
Point 3 Summary - You copied a folder with pictures of me to your computer. That folder also has pictures of my younger sisters. This makes me think your a pedophile.
Now this really gets under my skin. I felt enraged reading this. We were together just under 2 years. I've spent countless evenings accompanying her to dinner at her house with her family. I got to know her mom, her dad, and her sisters and brother and I started seeing them as my own family as well. My own family... who I cared about, who I learn to care about and who learned to care about me. So that being said, when she does everything but accuse me of wanting to fuck her younger sisters, how should I feel about that? Fucking pissed, that's how.
Point 4 Summary - I'm not the same person I was, but I am not sure if that's a good thing.
I have made her into a person she didn't want to be. That for a year, she tried to convey to me she was not happy with the relationship as it was on some kind of level. However, she is different now. But, she does not know if this is a good thing. She talks about having no ill will towards me, no malice, no hate. That she thinks everyone deserves a second chance. That people do stupid things, sometimes. But that doesn't mean that person is a bad person. That someone deserves to be forgiven.
Unless, that someone is me.
Hypocrite.
That is the email I received the next day rather. I did not check my email until the following Saturday. The contents, of which, were not very "good morning" inspiring. This was a reality check email, from her perspective. I don't have the email on this computer, so I will just basically recap some of the points made in the email.
Point 1 Summary - We are broke up, but that doesn't mean I'm telling you to get over or move on. Time *might* heal things.
She starts the email off stating that she understands I miss her and what we used to have. However, she is not wanting to see me on any regular basis. Also, she goes on to state that my sending her "cute" messages is not okay, because she broke up with me for a reason and that I need to stop talking to her as if we are still together. Sounds like a fair request, no? Well, that's one reason I hate women. If you don't want me to be cute around you, then why when I see you, you still kiss me? You still call me "honey" and tell me you love me when I say goodnight? If there were lines you had in mind, I would have thought they would have been crossed with the kissing me again part. Not the "cute" text message line. Telling me that time *might* mend things, and that I shouldn't "move" on.. what are you trying to say you want out of me? I feel like an overdue DVD, sure you know its time with you is over... but you want to hold onto it anyways, just in case you might want to watch it after all.
Point 2 Summary - While I don't take much stock in what other people say about you, I still believe them.
This part is where I am confused. She goes on to state that after we broke up, she heard a lot of rumors about me regarding stuff going on that I was doing behind her back... Something about a girl at Food Pavilion, communicating with my ex Amanda, as her cited examples. A.) Who the fuck do I know that works at Food Pavilion? B.) Amanda... lol!
The Food Pavilion person I have no idea what that is about. The only people I know there is Troy, who's a sleaze bag all on his own. And a girl named Melanie, who hasn't worked there for over a year. And Melanie doesn't even live in Wenatchee anymore, and is somewhere in Snoqualmie or some shit last I heard. Also, I barely knew her. I just only was friends with her BARELY through party/social run-ins. God knows where she is now. If that's who she thinks I was fooling around with, then someone please get her a calendar with some dates on it so she can see whoever has told her this stuff has no fucking idea what they are talking about.
Amanda... man that is super funny. We had something over 5 years ago. Yes, that's right. This is going back to 5 years ago. And that something ended after about 4 weeks ish. A really short story, summarized in even shorter terms. I will try to restate, without using adverbs. Amanda like Mike. Mike like Amanda. Dated 1 month. Amanda confesses love. Mike breaks up with Amanda. Point, set, match. Done. That's how simple it was. Yes, we dated for a time. Messed around a bit, that was it. I was no where near ready for a serious relationship. I made those abundantly clear before things even didn't get started. But, of course I failed to realize that women have a distorted view on things. The classic "give him what he wants til he changes to what I want" tactic. So after a month, she tells me she really loves me and all the alarms go off in my head. I later tell her again, how I feel... and that's when it ended. She got out of my car, crying in her driveway. I drove home. Did I feel bad? Not really, I was angry. I later had to fight a whole fiasco of bullshit on myspace from her little rant saying how I used her, blah blah blah and her friends bashing on me. She later apologized for that. But you know what, I still think back and I still get angry about it. Fucking women.
Amanda started dating Brad, a friend of mine and has also known Amanda himself longer than me since they were in high school together. Brad works in a gas station, has no ambition, and thinks the world owes him his dues. What dues? He lives his life like he's on some kind of social welfare.. like he is somehow some kind of victim of financial and life inhibiting circumstance that the world owes him a free ticket to success and happiness. This is her boyfriend, gas station man. She, is going to graduate school for a Master's in psychology. Gas station man + future psychology professional. You see what I'm getting at? You don't need a Master's degree to figure out that this isn't going to work out.
Well, that long story is as follows. They eventually broke up, and of course it was my doing. Well, it was and it wasn't. She was having problems with him, confessed she still had feelings for me. They write an email TOGETHER from her to me confronting me about wanting to break them up. I later learned that this was written with his supervision later on after they broke up anyways. They broke up because she didn't love him she said. She asked me if we still had some kind of chance, I told her no. She decided we couldn't be friends. Then, she wished me luck with Leila and told me that Brad was talking to her feeding her all his bullshit, just for my own awareness. Done, that was it.
I kind of went off on a tangent there, but here is the third point.
Point 3 Summary - You copied a folder with pictures of me to your computer. That folder also has pictures of my younger sisters. This makes me think your a pedophile.
Now this really gets under my skin. I felt enraged reading this. We were together just under 2 years. I've spent countless evenings accompanying her to dinner at her house with her family. I got to know her mom, her dad, and her sisters and brother and I started seeing them as my own family as well. My own family... who I cared about, who I learn to care about and who learned to care about me. So that being said, when she does everything but accuse me of wanting to fuck her younger sisters, how should I feel about that? Fucking pissed, that's how.
Point 4 Summary - I'm not the same person I was, but I am not sure if that's a good thing.
I have made her into a person she didn't want to be. That for a year, she tried to convey to me she was not happy with the relationship as it was on some kind of level. However, she is different now. But, she does not know if this is a good thing. She talks about having no ill will towards me, no malice, no hate. That she thinks everyone deserves a second chance. That people do stupid things, sometimes. But that doesn't mean that person is a bad person. That someone deserves to be forgiven.
Unless, that someone is me.
Hypocrite.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Pick a flavor: Paxil, Zoloft, or Prozac?
It's been a few weeks since I cited anything. Maybe that means its getting easier, being alone. Is it finally setting in? My single-ness. My life missing her by my side? It kind of scares me, in a way.
I can't decide if this is good news or not. Yesterday she sends me a text wishing me good morning. Not unusual, but also not expected considering we are now going on 5 months apart from eachother -- and I've seen her about 4 times in that time span. Most of the time I'm texting her, just hoping to find an excuse to do so. The conversations are short lived. I'm like a drug addict just needing a little fix each day to get me through. She is like candy to my heart.
The text, right.. after that she says to me she is thinking about seeing a therapist to get a prescription for antidepressants. Apparently she's been depressed, for quite a while now actually. Real bad right until the last couple months of our being together. I think about this and I begin to feel, mixed about it. In one hand, I think that this means that the fall of our relationship together would mean that maybe it wasn't all me. Just maybe, she just had a head full of inbalances and breaking up with me would take that strain off of her? If now that its been months, and there has been no change, then maybe she is just now realizing I wasn't the cause of her depression? Sure, that makes you feel good.. a little. But then I think.. wait a minute.. so she is depressed and needs to see a therapist.. okay why am I happy that this is a good thing?
In these kinds of mind struggles, I tend to offset the imbalance with logic. First of all, this does not change my situation one way or another, so no need to work up my head around it. Second, she is depressed and doesn't know what else to do about it -- besides seeing a therapist and getting some candy coated artificial happiness. Now, these things in mind, where do I come in?
She is also struggling with her finances as of late as well. She gets it from her dad, but I can understand because I'm about 1/2 the same as her when it comes to how I deal with depression and/or being unhappy. When I am unhappy, I buy things I don't necessarily need. Needless expense on anything from video games, eating out, or just plain being irresponsible with money. She is about 200% worse than me. She has had to take out a personal loan with her dad co-signing so she can pay off her credit card debt. However, she is still stuck with a mountain of bills with a tiny mountain of money lining her pockets.
She doesn't like asking for help, I know that much. But this time she did, and she asked me. That is important, at least to me. I'm going to see if I can catch up with her tonight and give her what extra money I can to help. Why am I doing this you might think? Because I still fucking love her, dammit.
Every person I have met that has been on the big 3 -- those being Paxil, Zoloft, or Prozac -- has never said it had helped them. Most of them said it made them feel different, not depressed, but not normal or happy. Just different. And most of them developed a dependancy to them. That's what I am afraid of happening to her. I don't want her to change into a completely different Leila.
She's also been trying to find a way to move away to her home town on the other side of the Cascades... its about 2 hours away. If she moves, its pretty much done I think. Part of me is still selfish and wants her to stay, the other part thinks that maybe if she moved, she might be happy. I quickly almost go to tears thinking about her in another place, with another guy in her life. Well fuck me, now I'm getting depressed again.
2008 sure seems to be the year of life changing events.
I can't decide if this is good news or not. Yesterday she sends me a text wishing me good morning. Not unusual, but also not expected considering we are now going on 5 months apart from eachother -- and I've seen her about 4 times in that time span. Most of the time I'm texting her, just hoping to find an excuse to do so. The conversations are short lived. I'm like a drug addict just needing a little fix each day to get me through. She is like candy to my heart.
The text, right.. after that she says to me she is thinking about seeing a therapist to get a prescription for antidepressants. Apparently she's been depressed, for quite a while now actually. Real bad right until the last couple months of our being together. I think about this and I begin to feel, mixed about it. In one hand, I think that this means that the fall of our relationship together would mean that maybe it wasn't all me. Just maybe, she just had a head full of inbalances and breaking up with me would take that strain off of her? If now that its been months, and there has been no change, then maybe she is just now realizing I wasn't the cause of her depression? Sure, that makes you feel good.. a little. But then I think.. wait a minute.. so she is depressed and needs to see a therapist.. okay why am I happy that this is a good thing?
In these kinds of mind struggles, I tend to offset the imbalance with logic. First of all, this does not change my situation one way or another, so no need to work up my head around it. Second, she is depressed and doesn't know what else to do about it -- besides seeing a therapist and getting some candy coated artificial happiness. Now, these things in mind, where do I come in?
She is also struggling with her finances as of late as well. She gets it from her dad, but I can understand because I'm about 1/2 the same as her when it comes to how I deal with depression and/or being unhappy. When I am unhappy, I buy things I don't necessarily need. Needless expense on anything from video games, eating out, or just plain being irresponsible with money. She is about 200% worse than me. She has had to take out a personal loan with her dad co-signing so she can pay off her credit card debt. However, she is still stuck with a mountain of bills with a tiny mountain of money lining her pockets.
She doesn't like asking for help, I know that much. But this time she did, and she asked me. That is important, at least to me. I'm going to see if I can catch up with her tonight and give her what extra money I can to help. Why am I doing this you might think? Because I still fucking love her, dammit.
Every person I have met that has been on the big 3 -- those being Paxil, Zoloft, or Prozac -- has never said it had helped them. Most of them said it made them feel different, not depressed, but not normal or happy. Just different. And most of them developed a dependancy to them. That's what I am afraid of happening to her. I don't want her to change into a completely different Leila.
She's also been trying to find a way to move away to her home town on the other side of the Cascades... its about 2 hours away. If she moves, its pretty much done I think. Part of me is still selfish and wants her to stay, the other part thinks that maybe if she moved, she might be happy. I quickly almost go to tears thinking about her in another place, with another guy in her life. Well fuck me, now I'm getting depressed again.
2008 sure seems to be the year of life changing events.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Groundhog's Day
Waking each morning seeing the sun rise as I drive across the bridge to go to work each and every day, I have a fleeting thought roaming in my head, a passive thought, I just did not fully acknowledge that thought until today. Each day, the sun rises. Each day, time is reset and you are allowed to start over. Groundhogs day, so to speak. Each day is different, each day a new beginning. Bill Murray is awesome, just fyi.
Well sometimes, I don't want a new beginning. I want it to be yesterday. I want to go back and make the RIGHT decisions. Not possible, I know. We all have to live with the consequences to the decisions we make. But still, I wish. I ponder how things would be now if I weren't so foolish. I wonder why I must learn things the hard way instead of having the wisdom to not do foolish things in the first place. Maybe there is a flaw in my DNA, or maybe... on some sort of subconscious level, I just need to hurt inside to be able to really feel. Wow, I sound emo right now.
I've been told by people of my past that I seem to be a different person. Like I have changed, in a good way. More mature, more wise. Less of a dick. Honest. Its too bad the only person that matters to me still doesn't see that. The longer the separation, the more I hate myself because it just means I did that much to her that she still doesn't want to see me, or be with me. It's hard to improve yourself when you still hate the person you used to be. I try to not think about it, it just makes me depressed.
Anyways, if anyone reading this has a time machine, look me up. I will pay handsomely.
Well sometimes, I don't want a new beginning. I want it to be yesterday. I want to go back and make the RIGHT decisions. Not possible, I know. We all have to live with the consequences to the decisions we make. But still, I wish. I ponder how things would be now if I weren't so foolish. I wonder why I must learn things the hard way instead of having the wisdom to not do foolish things in the first place. Maybe there is a flaw in my DNA, or maybe... on some sort of subconscious level, I just need to hurt inside to be able to really feel. Wow, I sound emo right now.
I've been told by people of my past that I seem to be a different person. Like I have changed, in a good way. More mature, more wise. Less of a dick. Honest. Its too bad the only person that matters to me still doesn't see that. The longer the separation, the more I hate myself because it just means I did that much to her that she still doesn't want to see me, or be with me. It's hard to improve yourself when you still hate the person you used to be. I try to not think about it, it just makes me depressed.
Anyways, if anyone reading this has a time machine, look me up. I will pay handsomely.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Foresight
Things aren't so bad today. My arms are killing me. Worked out at the gym yesterday and used my body as recipient for all my frustration. Feels good at the time, but it catches up to you eventually. Still, I don't regret it. I get out my anger, frustration, all the emotions I pile up inside all at once -- plus doing some good for my body overall. Can't argue with that.
Leila and I are back to talking. It took approximately 26 hours before I broke down and reopened up the lines of communication. The entire day afterwards I felt hollow, empty inside. The void was just bigger, more than I could take. She means so much to me, and I am pretty sure... that part of me still means something to her. I don't know what I'm doing... why do I put myself through this agony when I know that there will probably be more pain for me in the long run. Stubborn, maybe. Or I'm weak. She says I'm not weak, just broken.. and lost. She knows me so well.
Two of my best friends have already grown up and moved on with their lives. We were friends many years ago, all of us bachelors, still in college with the whole world ahead of us. Andrew had his sights on greater things. He was going to school and paying for it himself, working hard physically and mentally. He ended up graduating from WSU with a degree in Criminal Justice and Psychology and becoming a police officer. He likes it, he is happy. He also married the girl he met at college. Her name is Megan. They actually first met in the Atheist club, she was the vice-president if memory serves me correctly. I am completely baffled as to why atheists really need a club. If you don't believe in any sort of religious infrastructure and/or divine entity, anything like that.... why do you need a club to talk about nothing? Anyways, he got married on March 31st in private at the local courthouse of his new home. I am happy for them, and somewhat envious.
Adam is the other friend of mine. We were roommates for a while when he still lived and worked in town. He was very smart, but some would say he lacked socialization skills -- at least with women. For as long as I knew him, he never really had a love life. He was always involved in something to occupy his body or mind. Whether it would be experimenting with different Linux variants, or self defense training. Sometimes he would have what I refer to as a "Adam life crisis" and completely change the direction of his life on a whim by selling all his possessions, or sometimes spending all his savings on something he didn't need... like his 12th RX7 or something like that, just to decide he hates rotary engines (again) 2 months later and sell the car again and starting the cycle over. He moved about a year ago to Bellingham and is going to school up there and is working a salary job. He finally met a girl he can connect with. He's now engaged. I'm happy for him.
I look at my friends and I wonder just how they "figured it out." How did they know what was right for them? How does one make the decision about what values are important to them, go after them, and commit? I look at them and wonder how easy it was to make the decision. When Adam and Andrew both popped the question with their ladies asking them to marry them. I wonder how easy of a decision it was. My mind spins as I ponder. I wish I had that kind of clarity.
I had to lose the only thing that was most important and special to me to realize the value of that person. I had to destroy something I loved in order to fully acknowledge my feelings about her and how I felt all this time. I had to break the heart of the sweetest, most gentle and loving person in the world... many times over, for me to realize just how much she mattered to me. I love Leila more than anything, and would do anything to be back with her. I wish I would have had the foresight to see through my emotions and realize all of this before I ruined it all.
I don't have a time machine. My path has been laid in front of me and I now have to walk through the ruins I have laid if there is still hope that I might mend this broken relationship and join together with my love once again. Each day I punish myself, mentally and physically, for my wrongs I have done. I hope karma, god, whatever greater force there may be, realizes that I have learned my lessons and grants me my greatest wish.
Leila, if you end up reading this one day. I hope that means my wish came true.
I love you, I really do.
Leila and I are back to talking. It took approximately 26 hours before I broke down and reopened up the lines of communication. The entire day afterwards I felt hollow, empty inside. The void was just bigger, more than I could take. She means so much to me, and I am pretty sure... that part of me still means something to her. I don't know what I'm doing... why do I put myself through this agony when I know that there will probably be more pain for me in the long run. Stubborn, maybe. Or I'm weak. She says I'm not weak, just broken.. and lost. She knows me so well.
Two of my best friends have already grown up and moved on with their lives. We were friends many years ago, all of us bachelors, still in college with the whole world ahead of us. Andrew had his sights on greater things. He was going to school and paying for it himself, working hard physically and mentally. He ended up graduating from WSU with a degree in Criminal Justice and Psychology and becoming a police officer. He likes it, he is happy. He also married the girl he met at college. Her name is Megan. They actually first met in the Atheist club, she was the vice-president if memory serves me correctly. I am completely baffled as to why atheists really need a club. If you don't believe in any sort of religious infrastructure and/or divine entity, anything like that.... why do you need a club to talk about nothing? Anyways, he got married on March 31st in private at the local courthouse of his new home. I am happy for them, and somewhat envious.
Adam is the other friend of mine. We were roommates for a while when he still lived and worked in town. He was very smart, but some would say he lacked socialization skills -- at least with women. For as long as I knew him, he never really had a love life. He was always involved in something to occupy his body or mind. Whether it would be experimenting with different Linux variants, or self defense training. Sometimes he would have what I refer to as a "Adam life crisis" and completely change the direction of his life on a whim by selling all his possessions, or sometimes spending all his savings on something he didn't need... like his 12th RX7 or something like that, just to decide he hates rotary engines (again) 2 months later and sell the car again and starting the cycle over. He moved about a year ago to Bellingham and is going to school up there and is working a salary job. He finally met a girl he can connect with. He's now engaged. I'm happy for him.
I look at my friends and I wonder just how they "figured it out." How did they know what was right for them? How does one make the decision about what values are important to them, go after them, and commit? I look at them and wonder how easy it was to make the decision. When Adam and Andrew both popped the question with their ladies asking them to marry them. I wonder how easy of a decision it was. My mind spins as I ponder. I wish I had that kind of clarity.
I had to lose the only thing that was most important and special to me to realize the value of that person. I had to destroy something I loved in order to fully acknowledge my feelings about her and how I felt all this time. I had to break the heart of the sweetest, most gentle and loving person in the world... many times over, for me to realize just how much she mattered to me. I love Leila more than anything, and would do anything to be back with her. I wish I would have had the foresight to see through my emotions and realize all of this before I ruined it all.
I don't have a time machine. My path has been laid in front of me and I now have to walk through the ruins I have laid if there is still hope that I might mend this broken relationship and join together with my love once again. Each day I punish myself, mentally and physically, for my wrongs I have done. I hope karma, god, whatever greater force there may be, realizes that I have learned my lessons and grants me my greatest wish.
Leila, if you end up reading this one day. I hope that means my wish came true.
I love you, I really do.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
I surrender.
It took approximately 72 hours for my heart to tear itself wide open. I tried to persuade myself that things were going to be okay. I passed my time, like usual. Visual entertainment, the Internet, my games, same old stuff. That only carries one so far. I always end up right back where I started, alone in my chair, thinking about things that I cannot change. Trying to convince myself that I just need to give it more time.
Not a peep all day, my phone is silent. I jump when I hear a ring, but its not her. Its just some 800 number calling me, again, for someone else who isn't me, again... collecting on some debt, that again, is not belonging to me. I just ignore them, no point in answering as this has been going on for the past 6 months. I continue to ignore my emotions and my thoughts and involve myself in my games, my entertainment. Keep the mind moving, moving away from thinking about her.
It's 5:30, she should be back in town. She went to visit her friend, Megan. They grew up together, she lives in a suburb town near Seattle. I know why she is going there, because I read it on surveyspace.com. On the hijacked account that I use. I text her... "back yet?" .. I get a response "yep." I asked if she had fun... no reply. So I just text her "well I hope you had fun :)" and I get a reply "sorry, thanks I did!" End of conversation there.
My feet bounce nervously. I look at the time. 6:55 pm. I look to the table next to me where I keep her picture. She is smiling at the person taking the picture, but months without feeling her touch, or the smell of her hair on my pillows has caused my mind to manifest certain things. I have made myself believe that she is smiling at me. Another symbol of hope I've convinced myself in believing in. I go onto the stolen account with a small glimmer of hope, but in the end all I will find, if anything, will break my heart even more.
She's posted a survey. I read it. It says she is interested in someone else. Oxygen leaves me. The room is small, it has no air. I cannot breathe. She is still thinking about moving, to western Washington... she has almost come to her decision. Knowing her, she has already decided. I don't know what it must feel like to have someone reach inside your chest, grab a hold of your heart and just gently start squeezing, tighter and tighter, slowly. But, I think I can imagine as this is the only way I can describe how I am feeling. Tears well up, they leak down my cheeks and my vision becomes blurry. I wipe them and continue to read.
I think I am done describing the details... the rest is trivial. But conclusion is as follows. She can no way, forgive me. I am not in her foreseeable future. She has mild interest in another man, one whom I can imagine to be quiet intelligent, good looking, and probably has the same interest in her. Stirring in the back of my head, I wonder if I am just over analyzing. How can she still love me. I don't understand. Why do you still love someone, if you don't plan on being with them... nor can forgive? How can you love someone under those terms... I don't understand.
Breaking down, I text her again. I confess. I tell her how much I know, and that I again, am sorry. I officially give up. I give up hope. I surrender.
We have a conversation on the phone. By conversation, I mean.. me talking and crying, explaining everything I'm feeling, and that I just cannot sit here with hopes anymore. She listens, and tells me she loves me... but she cannot forgive me for how I've hurt her and that she is sorry. She is sorry, but does she have to be? No.. she doesn't. She cares, I know. She loves me, I know that too... but in the end, none of that matters. It wasn't enough.
Tomorrow will be the first day that I will have truly realized that its over and there's nothing I can do about it. She will be back, in a few days to pick up the last remaining things I still have here, while I am gone. Its better that way. I don't think I can see her without crumbling.. I'm having a hard enough time keeping it together as it is while I am writing this out.
I wish that my heart wasn't broken to begin with. I think maybe then, I might have realized just what I had, while I had it.. not after I lost it.
Leila - I love you always and forever. At least I got to tell you one last time, that I love you. Goodbye... and farewell, my darling...
It's dark in here. I am alone.
Lost.
Not a peep all day, my phone is silent. I jump when I hear a ring, but its not her. Its just some 800 number calling me, again, for someone else who isn't me, again... collecting on some debt, that again, is not belonging to me. I just ignore them, no point in answering as this has been going on for the past 6 months. I continue to ignore my emotions and my thoughts and involve myself in my games, my entertainment. Keep the mind moving, moving away from thinking about her.
It's 5:30, she should be back in town. She went to visit her friend, Megan. They grew up together, she lives in a suburb town near Seattle. I know why she is going there, because I read it on surveyspace.com. On the hijacked account that I use. I text her... "back yet?" .. I get a response "yep." I asked if she had fun... no reply. So I just text her "well I hope you had fun :)" and I get a reply "sorry, thanks I did!" End of conversation there.
My feet bounce nervously. I look at the time. 6:55 pm. I look to the table next to me where I keep her picture. She is smiling at the person taking the picture, but months without feeling her touch, or the smell of her hair on my pillows has caused my mind to manifest certain things. I have made myself believe that she is smiling at me. Another symbol of hope I've convinced myself in believing in. I go onto the stolen account with a small glimmer of hope, but in the end all I will find, if anything, will break my heart even more.
She's posted a survey. I read it. It says she is interested in someone else. Oxygen leaves me. The room is small, it has no air. I cannot breathe. She is still thinking about moving, to western Washington... she has almost come to her decision. Knowing her, she has already decided. I don't know what it must feel like to have someone reach inside your chest, grab a hold of your heart and just gently start squeezing, tighter and tighter, slowly. But, I think I can imagine as this is the only way I can describe how I am feeling. Tears well up, they leak down my cheeks and my vision becomes blurry. I wipe them and continue to read.
I think I am done describing the details... the rest is trivial. But conclusion is as follows. She can no way, forgive me. I am not in her foreseeable future. She has mild interest in another man, one whom I can imagine to be quiet intelligent, good looking, and probably has the same interest in her. Stirring in the back of my head, I wonder if I am just over analyzing. How can she still love me. I don't understand. Why do you still love someone, if you don't plan on being with them... nor can forgive? How can you love someone under those terms... I don't understand.
Breaking down, I text her again. I confess. I tell her how much I know, and that I again, am sorry. I officially give up. I give up hope. I surrender.
We have a conversation on the phone. By conversation, I mean.. me talking and crying, explaining everything I'm feeling, and that I just cannot sit here with hopes anymore. She listens, and tells me she loves me... but she cannot forgive me for how I've hurt her and that she is sorry. She is sorry, but does she have to be? No.. she doesn't. She cares, I know. She loves me, I know that too... but in the end, none of that matters. It wasn't enough.
Tomorrow will be the first day that I will have truly realized that its over and there's nothing I can do about it. She will be back, in a few days to pick up the last remaining things I still have here, while I am gone. Its better that way. I don't think I can see her without crumbling.. I'm having a hard enough time keeping it together as it is while I am writing this out.
I wish that my heart wasn't broken to begin with. I think maybe then, I might have realized just what I had, while I had it.. not after I lost it.
Leila - I love you always and forever. At least I got to tell you one last time, that I love you. Goodbye... and farewell, my darling...
It's dark in here. I am alone.
Lost.
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